I've sat in front of my computer screen for at least an hour thinking about what to write but I simply don't have the words. I got a letter in the mail today and I was excited because it was from Kansas, "it must be Kristi writing me back. And it's even thick....yay for pictures!!" As I open the letter I see a card from her mom. "Oh that's nice," I think. And then my eyes focus on the obituary in my right hand. Kristi's. I drop it on the table and run crying....WHY?!?! This can't be happening. Not to my Kristi.
I met Kristi in January of 2005. We were both wating for double lung transplants. I always felt like I had it a little better than her because she was forced to get exercise and walk up and down the halls with her trach tube. I got to sit on my ass. But every day she'd be walking back and forth and I'd wave admiring her strength and perserverance. We were the same blood type so technically, we were in a little competition to see who could get lungs first. I did but she followed shortly after and as I was waking up from mine, she was in getting hers.
Our surgeon, Dr.Charles Hoopes would give me updates on her since she was having a few problems and one time he told me to walk over to her room so I could show her how well I was doing and give her a little boost of confidence. I took the challenge even though I'd barely walked like 20 feet because Hoopes is VERY intimidating and also, I take on pretty much any dare. So I was gonna cheat and ride my wheelchair up to her room and then walk past her window. But nooooooo, I get to the end of the hallway and Hoopes is sitting there all omnious so I knew I had to walk because he would be evaluating me. I made it and I remember the pure joy on her face when she saw me. They made me go after awhile though, I think I was raising her heart rate (haha) but it was nice to see her regardless.
Kristi and I and Ila who later had a heart transplant were known as the three stooges because we all got along so well and supported each other during these crazy times. I remember seeing her walk around with a mask on (because we were at high risk for infection after transplant) and I was proud to know her and everything she'd been through. We'd done it together. And through these years we've stayed in touch through the phone, letters, and recently through myspace. We'd joke about how much the our medications suck or how we think Dr.Hays is hot and now, I'm all alone.
To me this is more than a death. A big part of me has died inside too. She was my equivalent in so many ways and it's like I see myself in her. I know I'm a ticking time bomb but I can usually try to put it out of my mind and deal with it. Losing Kristi is like losing hope. She was just like me, young and just wanting to have fun. She lived life to the fullest, for sure and at least I can say that she knew how to make the most of it all. How I can lose someone so strong like that is what tears me apart. I honestly don't have words to express exactly how I feel and most people won't even understand but if you're reading this, then please allow me sometime to reflect on this all. If I don't talk to people for awhile it's not your fault, I just need time to put all this together and tell myself that this is really happening. In the meantime, I hope all of you will think about this and are inspired to live like she did because you never know when your time might come. In her last blog on June 25th, 2008, Kristi wrote this:
Love yourself, make peace with who you are and where you are at this moment in time.
Listen to your heart. If you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world, make time for yourself, enjoy your own company. Let your mind wander among the stars.
Take chances, make mistakes. Life can be messy and confusing at times, but it's also full of surprises. The next rock in your path may be a stepping stone.
BE happy when you don't have what you want, want what you have make do, that's a well kept secret of contentment.
There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow; you have to make your own way. To know where you're going is only part of it. You need to know where you've been to. And if you ever get lost don't worry; the people you love will find you count on it.
Life isn't days and years, it's what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace that's inside you. MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE....
The kind of life you deserve.
R.I.P. Kristi Daneen Medlen
February 15, 1978-July 18, 2008
1 comment:
I am sorry to read about your loss. It is always hard to loose someone who is such an important part of your life. You are in out thoughts and prayers. Marty and Monica
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