make it stop

Dear God/Goddess/Fairies/Higher Power-

Can you please stop taking my friends away from me?

Love, Ashley

Feeling: Disappointed
Hearing:"Bury Me Alive" by We Are the Fallen

My thoughts have been burdened with thoughts of death this past month or so. Not only transplant patients but others as well and it gets me thinking. I personally don't have a faith and in fact religion drives me up the wall but I do have faith that things happen for a reason. I believe that everyone has an energy in them and when they pass away that energy goes somewhere I just don't know where that is but I know it leaves the body behind.It's amazing how empty it feels when someone you care about is gone and it's hard to imagine where they could possibly be. Are they looking after you? I think religion/spirituality gives people answers to these questions and since I don't believe any one thing it's hard for me to turn my brain off from the processing.

I just recently lost a good friend Carl who had his transplant about 3 or 4 years ago and although I was more prepared for this one it was still hard to see it in words or hear that it was true. I just deleted some emails I had in my account dated back from 2008 and I had a lot of friends that had passed away and I didn't have the heart to delete those messages. I don't like to dwell on the past but a little part of me dies with each of my friends who pass and in the back of my mind I wonder, could I be next? I hate being morbid, really I do. I only bring it up from time to time but this past month has just brought so many overwhelming thoughts that I had to get it out.

I have a lot more to say but I think for now I'll just let it simmer in my brain. It makes me think a lot about what I'm doing with my own life. If I could ask them what they would have done differently if they were still alive what would they say? Are they happier where they are and laughing at us down here like ants? Such is the question of life, huh?

There is so much I want to do with my life but I might not have the money or opportunity to do it. I hope someday I can find ways to achieve everything on my "bucket list" because I'll feel then like I truly lived my life. I'm teaching myself to play the guitar now actually. That's always been something I've wanted to do but I had my brother's old guitar sitting in my room untouched forever because it seemed like too big of an idea. Now I'm not doing too bad. I have yet to play an entire song but the bits and pieces I got are awesome.Its little achievements like that that keep me going.

I'll be going back to school next semester which is another thing that keeps me going. I love school and would take almost every class (except math) just for fun if I could! I would study abroad and learn a bunch of languages but for now I'm going to go for my BA in Sociology at ASU. Not too bad a start. I think it'll be great too because I'm always wondering why people do what they do and that is basically what my degree is in. Perfect! Can't wait to get back out there......

six

feeling: bored
listening to: "A Quiet Anthem" by Aesthetic Perfection (Apparently I like them a lot since I was listening to them last time too.)

January 7th marked my SIX YEARS of life since my transplant. In my six years I've loved and lost so many. I meet amazing people and though some stay in my life, many of them have unfortunately also been chosen to leave it. My friend Michele passed away at the beginning of December and where was I when I found out? At Disneyland. This always happens. When I learned of Kristi passing away I had been at a concert that night. Now Michele's gone and I was at Disneyland. I feel like crap whenever I hear of another loss but I thought to myself that if she's in Heaven now, she's definitely watching me and calling me a turd for even thinking that I'm bad for not being there. She loved Disneyland--mainly the shopping aspect of it and I know she would want me to live me life. After all, that's what she did until the end when she simply couldn't anymore. She and I caused so much trouble and had so many laughs and I will never forget her.

It seems odd to me that I'm still here. What have I done that allows me to live a healthy life when others can't? Whatever it is, I hope it hangs in there because before I used to hope that 2012 was a real concept and now...it just feels unfair. I fought this hard and will not be killed off because of what some Mayans say. (Even though I totally give them props for being awesome.) This New Year I decided to make a few resolutions:





1) Eat less sugar. I would die if I got diabetes, I love sugar too much! Hehe.


2) Learn something new everyday.


3) Budget my money better.


4) Live like there's no tomorrow.





That last one is always in my head and I've done decent with the rest except the darn budgeting. I started off the New Year in Vegas seeing my favorite band. That cost an arm and a leg and of course I gambled (aka lost money) and the whole shebang but I had the time of my life. Seriously, my dream was to see them- 30 Seconds to Mars play on New Years in London and if I was lucky go back to the lead singer Jared's hotel room. Hahahahaha jk about the last part (kinda) but yeah I figured if I can't have London, Vegas is just as good!! This applied to my 4 resolution of living it up. MY girlfriend Elyna and I even went to see Thunder Down Under While we were there and it was epic.

*GIGGLE*

Anyway, it was good times for sure. One cool thing too is ever since my break-up with douchebag I've almost started drinking just to spite him. Not on purpose and I'm not an alcoholic like he was but for so long after I never drank and the first time I did I was thinking, "Yeah, TAKE THAT!!" Lame and childish, I know but it was a little release I needed to get over him. That said, when I was at the concert I had bought some Absinthe and if you know what that is, you know it jacks you up pretty good. I figured I'd rather by 1 expensive drink and get smashed than buy a bunch to feel a buzz. Well, I sipped it slowly and as soon as the concert started I wanted nothing to do but jump and dance and scream. Holding my drink only got in my way and I realized less than halfway through that I didn't want/or need it. I was in this moment with my friend and experiencing something I've always wanted. Jared was my anti-drug!! So I went and threw it away. Usually I would drink it up fast anyway since it was expensive but I didn't even want that. It's a step up in my healing process post-douchebag. YAY!!

I'm really focusing on making changes in my life right now. Changes that will help me better myself and move onward and upward. A lot of that is the people I have in my life. If they are toxic, I need to say goodbye but if they are good, I need to try everything I can to be a good friend. Also, I'm trying to not let other people's opinions get to me. Yesterday, I went to the post office with a shirt on that was low enough to show my scar on my chest. I was noticing lately that before I go anywhere I always try to cover it up with a sweater or my purse and that's just silly. I guess I don't want the questions or people to think I got a horrible cheap boob job in Mexico or something. These girls are real my friends!! I realized how hard it was for me to mentally step out into the world scar bared. I've decided from now I'm going to try to be more proud of what I've been through instead of so private and who knows, maybe I can help people understand.

I'm trying to get a job still and it's not looking good at all. The person that's helping me seems really flaky and is always trying to come up with excuses as to why things aren't going through. I wish the economy wasn't so bad that I had to fight so hard. I mean, it feels pointless when everyone with 25 years of experience are snatching the jobs typically taken by those just out of college like me. I have no authority and no pull to let them give me a chance and I'm starting to feel down about it. I mean, I was sick when I was 14 so I couldn't work then and after I went to school to make myself something big. I learned a lot and yet here I am with nothing to show for it except some degrees and licenses that apparently mean nothing. Grrrrr.

I guess I should be working on my autobiography thing. It's just frustrating because I have so much in my head but lack the words to put it on paper and make it mean as much as it has impacted my life. Nothing seems good enough and I wish I could wave a magic wand and put all the words in a published book of my own. Maybe someday....

catching up

feeling: lazy
listening to: "The Siren" by Aesthetic Perfection

I haven't written in this thing in forever and it's come to my attention that I need to start up again. A lot has changed in the past year or so for me and the biggest thing I dealt with was a boyfriend that turned out to be an alcoholic. It's funny how you can have so many important things going on in your life and yet you let the little things like that bring you down into a deep depression and you forget all that's beautiful in life. I can't allow that to happen anymore. I want to get up, dust myself off and skip off back into the world with a smile on my face and passion in my heart. Here's to trying....

I graduated college this May with an Associate's in American Sign Language and Interpreting which was a wonderful accomplishment. I never thought I'd make it past 18 let alone graduate college and start working. The "working" part hasn't come around yet since the market is so bad these days but I am soooo close to getting a job as an interpreter that I can almost taste it. I've been sick since I was 14 so I never had a job and I can't wait until everything falls into it's place for me in that field. I really do love ASL and it's neat to go to the Deaf Night Out events we have here in Phoenix once a month. I'm getting better and better each day and it'll be a job that I'll never stop learning in and I love that.

For fun, I've been going to concerts as much as possible. Went to see 30 Seconds to Mars twice, once in Vegas and once here in Phoenix and it BLEW ME AWAY!! I love you Jared Leto. Just this weekend I saw a band called Combichrist who is kind of like a gothic techno type band, industrial. I danced until I was pretty much about to pass out but yet my breathing was fine, my legs were working and I had the drive so I just kept on dancing. I NEVER take that for granted. Ever. I try to talk to friends as much as possible but it gets boring just sitting at home all day so I started volunteering with a place called Project C.U.R.E. They send medical equipment and help to countries who need it. I've started by cleaning off equipment and seeing if it works before we send it off and I think it's really neat to do. I didn't get to go this week because I have no money to get gas and head over there but as soon as I do I'm going to be helping out again because it made me feel like I am doing something worth while. It's a great feeling.

Um....since my last entry I don't know if I wrote about my friend Mason passing away. Or Steve, or Mike....*sigh* I hate losing people close to me. Mason was particularly hard for me because he was close to my age and it was something that could have been so easily prevented. Don't even get me started but yeah, I really took that one rough. If I go by my motto though that our purpose in life is to inspire and leave a legacy than these men did so. I will always remember them for everything they taught me with all they've been through. I only hope people will remember me the same way.

As far as my health my lungs have been pretty good *knock on wood* and I see my doctors in San Francisco in January for my usual testing stuff. Yay! I love my doctors. <3 The one health problem that's been most annoying though is skin cancer. I've had a lot of squamous cell carcinoma which is one of the better ones but its still no good. It took 4 years for my dermatologist to figure out that was what was on my lip. Thank God it's gone now but it was also all over my head as well. I guess that's what I get for living in the Valley of the Sun, huh? I really am considering moving in about a year to a place like Seattle where there is less chance of skin cancer. I'd definitely be a lot better off. I wish I could move to SF but I'd have to be rich to attempt that. Or, I can just move to Forks, WA like in Twilight. Who knows, maybe I'll find my Edward Cullen there. ;)

That's all for now I guess. I'll write more when I get the chance. xoxoxoxox people!

one last breath

I've been thinking about my friend Kristi a lot lately so I figured I'd copy my Myspace blog over here so you guys could learn a little about her....

I've sat in front of my computer screen for at least an hour thinking about what to write but I simply don't have the words. I got a letter in the mail today and I was excited because it was from Kansas, "it must be Kristi writing me back. And it's even thick....yay for pictures!!" As I open the letter I see a card from her mom. "Oh that's nice," I think. And then my eyes focus on the obituary in my right hand. Kristi's. I drop it on the table and run crying....WHY?!?! This can't be happening. Not to my Kristi.

I met Kristi in January of 2005. We were both wating for double lung transplants. I always felt like I had it a little better than her because she was forced to get exercise and walk up and down the halls with her trach tube. I got to sit on my ass. But every day she'd be walking back and forth and I'd wave admiring her strength and perserverance. We were the same blood type so technically, we were in a little competition to see who could get lungs first. I did but she followed shortly after and as I was waking up from mine, she was in getting hers.

Our surgeon, Dr.Charles Hoopes would give me updates on her since she was having a few problems and one time he told me to walk over to her room so I could show her how well I was doing and give her a little boost of confidence. I took the challenge even though I'd barely walked like 20 feet because Hoopes is VERY intimidating and also, I take on pretty much any dare. So I was gonna cheat and ride my wheelchair up to her room and then walk past her window. But nooooooo, I get to the end of the hallway and Hoopes is sitting there all omnious so I knew I had to walk because he would be evaluating me. I made it and I remember the pure joy on her face when she saw me. They made me go after awhile though, I think I was raising her heart rate (haha) but it was nice to see her regardless.

Kristi and I and Ila who later had a heart transplant were known as the three stooges because we all got along so well and supported each other during these crazy times. I remember seeing her walk around with a mask on (because we were at high risk for infection after transplant) and I was proud to know her and everything she'd been through. We'd done it together. And through these years we've stayed in touch through the phone, letters, and recently through myspace. We'd joke about how much the our medications suck or how we think Dr.Hays is hot and now, I'm all alone.

To me this is more than a death. A big part of me has died inside too. She was my equivalent in so many ways and it's like I see myself in her. I know I'm a ticking time bomb but I can usually try to put it out of my mind and deal with it. Losing Kristi is like losing hope. She was just like me, young and just wanting to have fun. She lived life to the fullest, for sure and at least I can say that she knew how to make the most of it all. How I can lose someone so strong like that is what tears me apart. I honestly don't have words to express exactly how I feel and most people won't even understand but if you're reading this, then please allow me sometime to reflect on this all. If I don't talk to people for awhile it's not your fault, I just need time to put all this together and tell myself that this is really happening. In the meantime, I hope all of you will think about this and are inspired to live like she did because you never know when your time might come. In her last blog on June 25th, 2008, Kristi wrote this:

Love yourself, make peace with who you are and where you are at this moment in time.
Listen to your heart. If you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world, make time for yourself, enjoy your own company. Let your mind wander among the stars.
Take chances, make mistakes. Life can be messy and confusing at times, but it's also full of surprises. The next rock in your path may be a stepping stone.
BE happy when you don't have what you want, want what you have make do, that's a well kept secret of contentment.
There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow; you have to make your own way. To know where you're going is only part of it. You need to know where you've been to. And if you ever get lost don't worry; the people you love will find you count on it.
Life isn't days and years, it's what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace that's inside you. MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE....
The kind of life you deserve.

R.I.P. Kristi Daneen Medlen

February 15, 1978-July 18, 2008