I am SUPER excited to announce I got my first job!! I think I might have finally found my little niche actually. I'm working at a place that helps elderly people with their everyday tasks and care. These patients typically have dementia type issues and just need an extra hand and I feel soooo good about what I'm doing. I don't know how I could ever do a job that doesn't help anyone. I kinda sorta tried a "sales" job and it felt so wrong I was completely stressed and couldn't live with all the thoughts running through my head.
Not only am I doing that job but I've been volunteering with a hospice and it's been such a cool experience. I can't wait to delve more into it. I feel so much better about my life and feel such a positive change not just because of the job but a lot of other factors too. For instance, I feel ok about my love life, my friendships, etc. too. I'm honestly fine when it comes to me ex which was a really hard process for me and it's great that I can get through my days without crying out thinking about a time when I thought everything was perfect. I feel like with if "Prince Charming" came a long I could honestly give him my full heart instead of just the pieces left from my past. But at the same time, I'm totally fine being by myself. I still have fun, I can do whatever I want, and I'm satisfied where I'm at. That's a big step.
I have the "travel bug" and want to go somewhere big like Ireland or Montreal or something and stay there for awhile. I might look into a travel abroad program with ASU since I'll be there full time next semester. 18 credits...not bad! I should be done with my Bachelor's by Fall 2012 or Spring 2013. Either way it's not that far and I'm excited for some of the classes I've looked into.
So what does everyone (all 8 of you haha) think about the whole Royal Wedding hype? I think it's cool that someone from a "middle-class" life gets to marry a prince. A sexy British one at that, hehe! That would suck to have to be in the limelight all the time though. I couldn't handle all that attention especially when it's involving something private like my relationship. I think Kate handles it very well though. Seeing all the coverage on TV makes me want to go to London too. So much to see and I didn't get to see everything I originally wanted to. No time! Maybe some other time....
I guess I better stop babbling and get to bed before I say something completely unintelligible. *Yawn* Goodnight.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
make it stop
Dear God/Goddess/Fairies/Higher Power-
Can you please stop taking my friends away from me?
Love, Ashley
Feeling: Disappointed
Hearing:"Bury Me Alive" by We Are the Fallen
My thoughts have been burdened with thoughts of death this past month or so. Not only transplant patients but others as well and it gets me thinking. I personally don't have a faith and in fact religion drives me up the wall but I do have faith that things happen for a reason. I believe that everyone has an energy in them and when they pass away that energy goes somewhere I just don't know where that is but I know it leaves the body behind.It's amazing how empty it feels when someone you care about is gone and it's hard to imagine where they could possibly be. Are they looking after you? I think religion/spirituality gives people answers to these questions and since I don't believe any one thing it's hard for me to turn my brain off from the processing.
I just recently lost a good friend Carl who had his transplant about 3 or 4 years ago and although I was more prepared for this one it was still hard to see it in words or hear that it was true. I just deleted some emails I had in my account dated back from 2008 and I had a lot of friends that had passed away and I didn't have the heart to delete those messages. I don't like to dwell on the past but a little part of me dies with each of my friends who pass and in the back of my mind I wonder, could I be next? I hate being morbid, really I do. I only bring it up from time to time but this past month has just brought so many overwhelming thoughts that I had to get it out.
I have a lot more to say but I think for now I'll just let it simmer in my brain. It makes me think a lot about what I'm doing with my own life. If I could ask them what they would have done differently if they were still alive what would they say? Are they happier where they are and laughing at us down here like ants? Such is the question of life, huh?
There is so much I want to do with my life but I might not have the money or opportunity to do it. I hope someday I can find ways to achieve everything on my "bucket list" because I'll feel then like I truly lived my life. I'm teaching myself to play the guitar now actually. That's always been something I've wanted to do but I had my brother's old guitar sitting in my room untouched forever because it seemed like too big of an idea. Now I'm not doing too bad. I have yet to play an entire song but the bits and pieces I got are awesome.Its little achievements like that that keep me going.
I'll be going back to school next semester which is another thing that keeps me going. I love school and would take almost every class (except math) just for fun if I could! I would study abroad and learn a bunch of languages but for now I'm going to go for my BA in Sociology at ASU. Not too bad a start. I think it'll be great too because I'm always wondering why people do what they do and that is basically what my degree is in. Perfect! Can't wait to get back out there......
Can you please stop taking my friends away from me?
Love, Ashley
Feeling: Disappointed
Hearing:"Bury Me Alive" by We Are the Fallen
My thoughts have been burdened with thoughts of death this past month or so. Not only transplant patients but others as well and it gets me thinking. I personally don't have a faith and in fact religion drives me up the wall but I do have faith that things happen for a reason. I believe that everyone has an energy in them and when they pass away that energy goes somewhere I just don't know where that is but I know it leaves the body behind.It's amazing how empty it feels when someone you care about is gone and it's hard to imagine where they could possibly be. Are they looking after you? I think religion/spirituality gives people answers to these questions and since I don't believe any one thing it's hard for me to turn my brain off from the processing.
I just recently lost a good friend Carl who had his transplant about 3 or 4 years ago and although I was more prepared for this one it was still hard to see it in words or hear that it was true. I just deleted some emails I had in my account dated back from 2008 and I had a lot of friends that had passed away and I didn't have the heart to delete those messages. I don't like to dwell on the past but a little part of me dies with each of my friends who pass and in the back of my mind I wonder, could I be next? I hate being morbid, really I do. I only bring it up from time to time but this past month has just brought so many overwhelming thoughts that I had to get it out.
I have a lot more to say but I think for now I'll just let it simmer in my brain. It makes me think a lot about what I'm doing with my own life. If I could ask them what they would have done differently if they were still alive what would they say? Are they happier where they are and laughing at us down here like ants? Such is the question of life, huh?
There is so much I want to do with my life but I might not have the money or opportunity to do it. I hope someday I can find ways to achieve everything on my "bucket list" because I'll feel then like I truly lived my life. I'm teaching myself to play the guitar now actually. That's always been something I've wanted to do but I had my brother's old guitar sitting in my room untouched forever because it seemed like too big of an idea. Now I'm not doing too bad. I have yet to play an entire song but the bits and pieces I got are awesome.Its little achievements like that that keep me going.
I'll be going back to school next semester which is another thing that keeps me going. I love school and would take almost every class (except math) just for fun if I could! I would study abroad and learn a bunch of languages but for now I'm going to go for my BA in Sociology at ASU. Not too bad a start. I think it'll be great too because I'm always wondering why people do what they do and that is basically what my degree is in. Perfect! Can't wait to get back out there......
Thursday, January 20, 2011
energy
feeling: energized (how appropriate!)
listening to: "Broken Pieces" by Apocalyptica feat. Lacey of Flyleaf
I recently finished a book called "Dark Flame" by Alyson Noel which is part of a series called The Immortals. It involves being immortal, being in love, and being just plain human too. There was a particular passage that opened up my eyes and I decided to write it down for future reference. Here it goes:
"And you're obsessing over it, and weaving all manner of spells won't change it either. In fact, it'll only make it worse. By doing that, you've made him the focus of your universe, the exact result you don't want, and trust me, Roman is well aware of this. He works hard to steal your focus, it's what every narcissist wants. So if you truly want to resolve this and get your life back on track, then just stop. Stop focusing your energy on things you don't want. Stop putting your energy into Roman. Just refuse to even go there and see where that leads."...."But like this, the way you're handling it now, you may as well be hand-feeding prime rib to a tiger, you're only satisfying his most primal need. The beast is inside you, Ever, because you put it there. But trust me, you can rid yourself of it just as easily."
This really hit me because this was how I was with Douchebag. Everything revolves around energy and putting so much energy into hating and being hurt by him only gave him what he wanted---my attention. I've now gotten to the point where I don't care what happens to him. As they say, love and hate are one in the same. Indifference is as opposite as you can get and I am now healthy enough to be in the indifference stage. I hope he's happy, really I do. But I just don't care to hear anymore about him. He's already invaded my life enough as it is. Good riddance.
That said, I've found someone else. We've known each other for a few years now and decided to turn it up a notch and move to the next level and you know what? He makes me happy. I feel like now, I can focus on taking care of myself, and making time to laugh, and grow and learn. I feel truly free and it's wonderful. I've had time to workout my issues from my past too so I can start clean. I rushed into a relationship after Douchebag and wasn't quite ready and someone got hurt but I've learned now that when you dig up the past, all you end up getting is dirty.
Which leads me to another thing. Whenever I get into a relationship with someone new I always start wondering, "Why me?" "Don't they know my days are numbered?" I got this idea planted in my head from an ex who told me he didn't want to be with me because I could die soon. I mean, really? That's messed up and although I know it's stupid it's still in the back of my head and I wonder if other people think the same thing. Makes me wonder but again I think I need to put the past behind me and realize that although I had a big event happen in my life, he knows about it, end of story. It doesn't have to be my world. I'm alive now and am thankful for every breath. That should be enough, right? Hmmmm...
On a different note, I'm going to San Francisco next month with my friend (and fellow transplant person) Rich and then later on my mom. I want to show Rich how I roll while I'm there and what the Family House is like where I stayed during my treatment. I'm a part of a board here that is trying to come up with ideas for a similar place for transplants here in Phoenix and I'm bursting with ideas and can't wait to share it with someone. Also, of course I need my usual testing and all that but it's all good. Going to San Francisco always feels like going home to me. If I could live there I would be there in a heartbeat.
Let's see...what else has been on my mind? Oh yeah, I've been wanting to dance lately in the worst way! I miss the feel of being so in the moment with my entire body and soul into the moves I'm making. I saw Black Swan the other day and that's what this stemmed from. Also, Center Stage was on the other day and it got me missing dance. I wonder if I could start that up again whenever I end up getting my new job. The job might come soon by the way. I supposedly have an interview on Tuesday so wish me luck! *crosses fingers*
listening to: "Broken Pieces" by Apocalyptica feat. Lacey of Flyleaf
I recently finished a book called "Dark Flame" by Alyson Noel which is part of a series called The Immortals. It involves being immortal, being in love, and being just plain human too. There was a particular passage that opened up my eyes and I decided to write it down for future reference. Here it goes:
"And you're obsessing over it, and weaving all manner of spells won't change it either. In fact, it'll only make it worse. By doing that, you've made him the focus of your universe, the exact result you don't want, and trust me, Roman is well aware of this. He works hard to steal your focus, it's what every narcissist wants. So if you truly want to resolve this and get your life back on track, then just stop. Stop focusing your energy on things you don't want. Stop putting your energy into Roman. Just refuse to even go there and see where that leads."...."But like this, the way you're handling it now, you may as well be hand-feeding prime rib to a tiger, you're only satisfying his most primal need. The beast is inside you, Ever, because you put it there. But trust me, you can rid yourself of it just as easily."
This really hit me because this was how I was with Douchebag. Everything revolves around energy and putting so much energy into hating and being hurt by him only gave him what he wanted---my attention. I've now gotten to the point where I don't care what happens to him. As they say, love and hate are one in the same. Indifference is as opposite as you can get and I am now healthy enough to be in the indifference stage. I hope he's happy, really I do. But I just don't care to hear anymore about him. He's already invaded my life enough as it is. Good riddance.
That said, I've found someone else. We've known each other for a few years now and decided to turn it up a notch and move to the next level and you know what? He makes me happy. I feel like now, I can focus on taking care of myself, and making time to laugh, and grow and learn. I feel truly free and it's wonderful. I've had time to workout my issues from my past too so I can start clean. I rushed into a relationship after Douchebag and wasn't quite ready and someone got hurt but I've learned now that when you dig up the past, all you end up getting is dirty.
Which leads me to another thing. Whenever I get into a relationship with someone new I always start wondering, "Why me?" "Don't they know my days are numbered?" I got this idea planted in my head from an ex who told me he didn't want to be with me because I could die soon. I mean, really? That's messed up and although I know it's stupid it's still in the back of my head and I wonder if other people think the same thing. Makes me wonder but again I think I need to put the past behind me and realize that although I had a big event happen in my life, he knows about it, end of story. It doesn't have to be my world. I'm alive now and am thankful for every breath. That should be enough, right? Hmmmm...
On a different note, I'm going to San Francisco next month with my friend (and fellow transplant person) Rich and then later on my mom. I want to show Rich how I roll while I'm there and what the Family House is like where I stayed during my treatment. I'm a part of a board here that is trying to come up with ideas for a similar place for transplants here in Phoenix and I'm bursting with ideas and can't wait to share it with someone. Also, of course I need my usual testing and all that but it's all good. Going to San Francisco always feels like going home to me. If I could live there I would be there in a heartbeat.
Let's see...what else has been on my mind? Oh yeah, I've been wanting to dance lately in the worst way! I miss the feel of being so in the moment with my entire body and soul into the moves I'm making. I saw Black Swan the other day and that's what this stemmed from. Also, Center Stage was on the other day and it got me missing dance. I wonder if I could start that up again whenever I end up getting my new job. The job might come soon by the way. I supposedly have an interview on Tuesday so wish me luck! *crosses fingers*
Friday, January 14, 2011
six
feeling: bored
listening to: "A Quiet Anthem" by Aesthetic Perfection (Apparently I like them a lot since I was listening to them last time too.)
January 7th marked my SIX YEARS of life since my transplant. In my six years I've loved and lost so many. I meet amazing people and though some stay in my life, many of them have unfortunately also been chosen to leave it. My friend Michele passed away at the beginning of December and where was I when I found out? At Disneyland. This always happens. When I learned of Kristi passing away I had been at a concert that night. Now Michele's gone and I was at Disneyland. I feel like crap whenever I hear of another loss but I thought to myself that if she's in Heaven now, she's definitely watching me and calling me a turd for even thinking that I'm bad for not being there. She loved Disneyland--mainly the shopping aspect of it and I know she would want me to live me life. After all, that's what she did until the end when she simply couldn't anymore. She and I caused so much trouble and had so many laughs and I will never forget her.
It seems odd to me that I'm still here. What have I done that allows me to live a healthy life when others can't? Whatever it is, I hope it hangs in there because before I used to hope that 2012 was a real concept and now...it just feels unfair. I fought this hard and will not be killed off because of what some Mayans say. (Even though I totally give them props for being awesome.) This New Year I decided to make a few resolutions:
1) Eat less sugar. I would die if I got diabetes, I love sugar too much! Hehe.
2) Learn something new everyday.
3) Budget my money better.
4) Live like there's no tomorrow.
That last one is always in my head and I've done decent with the rest except the darn budgeting. I started off the New Year in Vegas seeing my favorite band. That cost an arm and a leg and of course I gambled (aka lost money) and the whole shebang but I had the time of my life. Seriously, my dream was to see them- 30 Seconds to Mars play on New Years in London and if I was lucky go back to the lead singer Jared's hotel room. Hahahahaha jk about the last part (kinda) but yeah I figured if I can't have London, Vegas is just as good!! This applied to my 4 resolution of living it up. MY girlfriend Elyna and I even went to see Thunder Down Under While we were there and it was epic.
listening to: "A Quiet Anthem" by Aesthetic Perfection (Apparently I like them a lot since I was listening to them last time too.)
January 7th marked my SIX YEARS of life since my transplant. In my six years I've loved and lost so many. I meet amazing people and though some stay in my life, many of them have unfortunately also been chosen to leave it. My friend Michele passed away at the beginning of December and where was I when I found out? At Disneyland. This always happens. When I learned of Kristi passing away I had been at a concert that night. Now Michele's gone and I was at Disneyland. I feel like crap whenever I hear of another loss but I thought to myself that if she's in Heaven now, she's definitely watching me and calling me a turd for even thinking that I'm bad for not being there. She loved Disneyland--mainly the shopping aspect of it and I know she would want me to live me life. After all, that's what she did until the end when she simply couldn't anymore. She and I caused so much trouble and had so many laughs and I will never forget her.
It seems odd to me that I'm still here. What have I done that allows me to live a healthy life when others can't? Whatever it is, I hope it hangs in there because before I used to hope that 2012 was a real concept and now...it just feels unfair. I fought this hard and will not be killed off because of what some Mayans say. (Even though I totally give them props for being awesome.) This New Year I decided to make a few resolutions:
1) Eat less sugar. I would die if I got diabetes, I love sugar too much! Hehe.
2) Learn something new everyday.
3) Budget my money better.
4) Live like there's no tomorrow.
That last one is always in my head and I've done decent with the rest except the darn budgeting. I started off the New Year in Vegas seeing my favorite band. That cost an arm and a leg and of course I gambled (aka lost money) and the whole shebang but I had the time of my life. Seriously, my dream was to see them- 30 Seconds to Mars play on New Years in London and if I was lucky go back to the lead singer Jared's hotel room. Hahahahaha jk about the last part (kinda) but yeah I figured if I can't have London, Vegas is just as good!! This applied to my 4 resolution of living it up. MY girlfriend Elyna and I even went to see Thunder Down Under While we were there and it was epic.
*GIGGLE*
Anyway, it was good times for sure. One cool thing too is ever since my break-up with douchebag I've almost started drinking just to spite him. Not on purpose and I'm not an alcoholic like he was but for so long after I never drank and the first time I did I was thinking, "Yeah, TAKE THAT!!" Lame and childish, I know but it was a little release I needed to get over him. That said, when I was at the concert I had bought some Absinthe and if you know what that is, you know it jacks you up pretty good. I figured I'd rather by 1 expensive drink and get smashed than buy a bunch to feel a buzz. Well, I sipped it slowly and as soon as the concert started I wanted nothing to do but jump and dance and scream. Holding my drink only got in my way and I realized less than halfway through that I didn't want/or need it. I was in this moment with my friend and experiencing something I've always wanted. Jared was my anti-drug!! So I went and threw it away. Usually I would drink it up fast anyway since it was expensive but I didn't even want that. It's a step up in my healing process post-douchebag. YAY!!
I'm really focusing on making changes in my life right now. Changes that will help me better myself and move onward and upward. A lot of that is the people I have in my life. If they are toxic, I need to say goodbye but if they are good, I need to try everything I can to be a good friend. Also, I'm trying to not let other people's opinions get to me. Yesterday, I went to the post office with a shirt on that was low enough to show my scar on my chest. I was noticing lately that before I go anywhere I always try to cover it up with a sweater or my purse and that's just silly. I guess I don't want the questions or people to think I got a horrible cheap boob job in Mexico or something. These girls are real my friends!! I realized how hard it was for me to mentally step out into the world scar bared. I've decided from now I'm going to try to be more proud of what I've been through instead of so private and who knows, maybe I can help people understand.
I'm trying to get a job still and it's not looking good at all. The person that's helping me seems really flaky and is always trying to come up with excuses as to why things aren't going through. I wish the economy wasn't so bad that I had to fight so hard. I mean, it feels pointless when everyone with 25 years of experience are snatching the jobs typically taken by those just out of college like me. I have no authority and no pull to let them give me a chance and I'm starting to feel down about it. I mean, I was sick when I was 14 so I couldn't work then and after I went to school to make myself something big. I learned a lot and yet here I am with nothing to show for it except some degrees and licenses that apparently mean nothing. Grrrrr.
I guess I should be working on my autobiography thing. It's just frustrating because I have so much in my head but lack the words to put it on paper and make it mean as much as it has impacted my life. Nothing seems good enough and I wish I could wave a magic wand and put all the words in a published book of my own. Maybe someday....
Thursday, November 11, 2010
catching up
feeling: lazy
listening to: "The Siren" by Aesthetic Perfection
I haven't written in this thing in forever and it's come to my attention that I need to start up again. A lot has changed in the past year or so for me and the biggest thing I dealt with was a boyfriend that turned out to be an alcoholic. It's funny how you can have so many important things going on in your life and yet you let the little things like that bring you down into a deep depression and you forget all that's beautiful in life. I can't allow that to happen anymore. I want to get up, dust myself off and skip off back into the world with a smile on my face and passion in my heart. Here's to trying....
I graduated college this May with an Associate's in American Sign Language and Interpreting which was a wonderful accomplishment. I never thought I'd make it past 18 let alone graduate college and start working. The "working" part hasn't come around yet since the market is so bad these days but I am soooo close to getting a job as an interpreter that I can almost taste it. I've been sick since I was 14 so I never had a job and I can't wait until everything falls into it's place for me in that field. I really do love ASL and it's neat to go to the Deaf Night Out events we have here in Phoenix once a month. I'm getting better and better each day and it'll be a job that I'll never stop learning in and I love that.
For fun, I've been going to concerts as much as possible. Went to see 30 Seconds to Mars twice, once in Vegas and once here in Phoenix and it BLEW ME AWAY!! I love you Jared Leto. Just this weekend I saw a band called Combichrist who is kind of like a gothic techno type band, industrial. I danced until I was pretty much about to pass out but yet my breathing was fine, my legs were working and I had the drive so I just kept on dancing. I NEVER take that for granted. Ever. I try to talk to friends as much as possible but it gets boring just sitting at home all day so I started volunteering with a place called Project C.U.R.E. They send medical equipment and help to countries who need it. I've started by cleaning off equipment and seeing if it works before we send it off and I think it's really neat to do. I didn't get to go this week because I have no money to get gas and head over there but as soon as I do I'm going to be helping out again because it made me feel like I am doing something worth while. It's a great feeling.
Um....since my last entry I don't know if I wrote about my friend Mason passing away. Or Steve, or Mike....*sigh* I hate losing people close to me. Mason was particularly hard for me because he was close to my age and it was something that could have been so easily prevented. Don't even get me started but yeah, I really took that one rough. If I go by my motto though that our purpose in life is to inspire and leave a legacy than these men did so. I will always remember them for everything they taught me with all they've been through. I only hope people will remember me the same way.
As far as my health my lungs have been pretty good *knock on wood* and I see my doctors in San Francisco in January for my usual testing stuff. Yay! I love my doctors. <3 The one health problem that's been most annoying though is skin cancer. I've had a lot of squamous cell carcinoma which is one of the better ones but its still no good. It took 4 years for my dermatologist to figure out that was what was on my lip. Thank God it's gone now but it was also all over my head as well. I guess that's what I get for living in the Valley of the Sun, huh? I really am considering moving in about a year to a place like Seattle where there is less chance of skin cancer. I'd definitely be a lot better off. I wish I could move to SF but I'd have to be rich to attempt that. Or, I can just move to Forks, WA like in Twilight. Who knows, maybe I'll find my Edward Cullen there. ;)
That's all for now I guess. I'll write more when I get the chance. xoxoxoxox people!
listening to: "The Siren" by Aesthetic Perfection
I haven't written in this thing in forever and it's come to my attention that I need to start up again. A lot has changed in the past year or so for me and the biggest thing I dealt with was a boyfriend that turned out to be an alcoholic. It's funny how you can have so many important things going on in your life and yet you let the little things like that bring you down into a deep depression and you forget all that's beautiful in life. I can't allow that to happen anymore. I want to get up, dust myself off and skip off back into the world with a smile on my face and passion in my heart. Here's to trying....
I graduated college this May with an Associate's in American Sign Language and Interpreting which was a wonderful accomplishment. I never thought I'd make it past 18 let alone graduate college and start working. The "working" part hasn't come around yet since the market is so bad these days but I am soooo close to getting a job as an interpreter that I can almost taste it. I've been sick since I was 14 so I never had a job and I can't wait until everything falls into it's place for me in that field. I really do love ASL and it's neat to go to the Deaf Night Out events we have here in Phoenix once a month. I'm getting better and better each day and it'll be a job that I'll never stop learning in and I love that.
For fun, I've been going to concerts as much as possible. Went to see 30 Seconds to Mars twice, once in Vegas and once here in Phoenix and it BLEW ME AWAY!! I love you Jared Leto. Just this weekend I saw a band called Combichrist who is kind of like a gothic techno type band, industrial. I danced until I was pretty much about to pass out but yet my breathing was fine, my legs were working and I had the drive so I just kept on dancing. I NEVER take that for granted. Ever. I try to talk to friends as much as possible but it gets boring just sitting at home all day so I started volunteering with a place called Project C.U.R.E. They send medical equipment and help to countries who need it. I've started by cleaning off equipment and seeing if it works before we send it off and I think it's really neat to do. I didn't get to go this week because I have no money to get gas and head over there but as soon as I do I'm going to be helping out again because it made me feel like I am doing something worth while. It's a great feeling.
Um....since my last entry I don't know if I wrote about my friend Mason passing away. Or Steve, or Mike....*sigh* I hate losing people close to me. Mason was particularly hard for me because he was close to my age and it was something that could have been so easily prevented. Don't even get me started but yeah, I really took that one rough. If I go by my motto though that our purpose in life is to inspire and leave a legacy than these men did so. I will always remember them for everything they taught me with all they've been through. I only hope people will remember me the same way.
As far as my health my lungs have been pretty good *knock on wood* and I see my doctors in San Francisco in January for my usual testing stuff. Yay! I love my doctors. <3 The one health problem that's been most annoying though is skin cancer. I've had a lot of squamous cell carcinoma which is one of the better ones but its still no good. It took 4 years for my dermatologist to figure out that was what was on my lip. Thank God it's gone now but it was also all over my head as well. I guess that's what I get for living in the Valley of the Sun, huh? I really am considering moving in about a year to a place like Seattle where there is less chance of skin cancer. I'd definitely be a lot better off. I wish I could move to SF but I'd have to be rich to attempt that. Or, I can just move to Forks, WA like in Twilight. Who knows, maybe I'll find my Edward Cullen there. ;)
That's all for now I guess. I'll write more when I get the chance. xoxoxoxox people!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
forget to remember
"Prescribe pills to offset the shakes to offset the pills you know you should- take it a day at a time...." -Panic! at the Disco
feeling: broken-hearted (screw men)
listening to: "Map of the Problematique" by Muse
I'll start this out with something good-
MY PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY IS GONE!!
Yes, you read that right!! I really noticed it at Disneyland back at the beginning of May. That's when it was so obvious because that was a huge test of my abilities. I walked all over the place from park to hotel to restaurants and I simply OWNED that place. Nonstop walking. Yeah my joints hurt and all that but so did all the other "normal" people in the group. Disneyland can kill anyone but I....I made it. *tear* I haven't not been in a wheelchair or something like that at Disneyland in....well too long. It was so wonderful!
Now to the bad part and I want input on this if anyone else has experienced it: my memory has totally gone to hell. I'm taking Aricept for it which is supposed to work amazingly for Alzheimers. So far, no improvement and I've been taking it for months. It's bringing down my school work and everything and I'm usually an A student so it's been kinda depressing. I had a hybrid class this semester so part of it was in class and the other part was online. I missed three major tests in that class because my brain doesn't remind me to go to the website and do it. So frustrating! Anyway, blah I'll expand on that later.
I got a new tattoo on my left thigh and I don't think I've talked about it on here. Marty- I've been dying to show you this one:
Also, I got the back of my neck pierced but that came out after a month. I got bored with it. :( I still thought it was super cool though but it takes a lot more maitenence than a tattoo so I felt like it was a little more risky if I started slacking heh.
So yeah, all in all I am doing VERY well but still manage to have my ups and downs just like any person transplant or not. I'm actually beginning my autobiograpy (finally) about my experience with the transplant. It's really hard to figure out how I should write it though so I'm working on it. More updates soon (since school is almost out...yay!).
<3 Ashley
feeling: broken-hearted (screw men)
listening to: "Map of the Problematique" by Muse
I'll start this out with something good-
MY PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY IS GONE!!
Yes, you read that right!! I really noticed it at Disneyland back at the beginning of May. That's when it was so obvious because that was a huge test of my abilities. I walked all over the place from park to hotel to restaurants and I simply OWNED that place. Nonstop walking. Yeah my joints hurt and all that but so did all the other "normal" people in the group. Disneyland can kill anyone but I....I made it. *tear* I haven't not been in a wheelchair or something like that at Disneyland in....well too long. It was so wonderful!
Now to the bad part and I want input on this if anyone else has experienced it: my memory has totally gone to hell. I'm taking Aricept for it which is supposed to work amazingly for Alzheimers. So far, no improvement and I've been taking it for months. It's bringing down my school work and everything and I'm usually an A student so it's been kinda depressing. I had a hybrid class this semester so part of it was in class and the other part was online. I missed three major tests in that class because my brain doesn't remind me to go to the website and do it. So frustrating! Anyway, blah I'll expand on that later.
I got a new tattoo on my left thigh and I don't think I've talked about it on here. Marty- I've been dying to show you this one:
Also, I got the back of my neck pierced but that came out after a month. I got bored with it. :( I still thought it was super cool though but it takes a lot more maitenence than a tattoo so I felt like it was a little more risky if I started slacking heh.
So yeah, all in all I am doing VERY well but still manage to have my ups and downs just like any person transplant or not. I'm actually beginning my autobiograpy (finally) about my experience with the transplant. It's really hard to figure out how I should write it though so I'm working on it. More updates soon (since school is almost out...yay!).
<3 Ashley
Monday, February 2, 2009
walk it off....
listening to: "The Swarm" by Dismantled
feeling: sleepy
School started a couple of weeks ago and I've been noticing that it's been easier to walk lately. My doctors took me off Voriconazole to see if that would help and maybe it is. Most transplant patients get off that medication pretty soon after surgery but I've been on it since then so they thought maybe it was contributing to my difficulty walking. That, mixed with my physical therapy have created a positive outcome so far. It's crazy how there are so many little symptoms that doctors are completely baffled about. That's why us transplant patients have to stick together and share what we've experienced. I've got so many random things going on and it helps to talk to others who might have heard it or had it.
I am the first for a lot of things. Doctors always say, "we've never seen that before" or "that's never happened" etc. That's part of the reason I got my tattoo was because for once I wanted to do something that I actually chose to do and not that was chosen for me by fate. I understood the risks and consequences and did it anyway with the knowledge I had from researching it. Now, I'm even planning on my next tattoo on February 20th. They couldn't stop me, weee!!
That's another thing I'll vent about shortly. I love my transplant team at UCSF. They understand that I got lungs and want to live. They are there behind me every step of the way making sure I can live life but yet they can still protect me from doing anything extremely stupid. Haha! St.Joe's transplant team however is a team I do not trust with my life. Not to scare any of my friends that belong to their team but I just feel like they don't know how to handle post-transplant situations and yet are too proud to ask other teams for ideas or input. I feel bad seeing all my friends getting sick under their care. It's a long story that I could spend pages and pages venting about but I won't. I just want to say that it makes me sad and I hope that all my friends will question what is right and wrong and keep an eye on how they feel so they can catch symptoms in advance.
Now that I've had my mini rant (you don't want to hear what I really want to say haha) I found this article that is a great thing for future transplant patients. It's about freezing organs for transport and it would have been nice to have more time to get to the hospital. I loved living in San Francisco but waiting was hard with out being near my friends and my pets and in my own bed. It would have been nice to have the choice of being there or being home. Although, it was convenient to be right by the hospital all the time....
http://http//thefutureofthings.com/news/6276/frozen-organs-live-longer.html?addComment
Anyway, I'll try and write more. I like having this as a venting place for my health issues because none of my other friends really understand or want to hear about it. (Or maybe I'm just assuming that.) So, I'll make a point to write when I have something to say. Wish me luck on keeping that goal! Haha.
feeling: sleepy
School started a couple of weeks ago and I've been noticing that it's been easier to walk lately. My doctors took me off Voriconazole to see if that would help and maybe it is. Most transplant patients get off that medication pretty soon after surgery but I've been on it since then so they thought maybe it was contributing to my difficulty walking. That, mixed with my physical therapy have created a positive outcome so far. It's crazy how there are so many little symptoms that doctors are completely baffled about. That's why us transplant patients have to stick together and share what we've experienced. I've got so many random things going on and it helps to talk to others who might have heard it or had it.
I am the first for a lot of things. Doctors always say, "we've never seen that before" or "that's never happened" etc. That's part of the reason I got my tattoo was because for once I wanted to do something that I actually chose to do and not that was chosen for me by fate. I understood the risks and consequences and did it anyway with the knowledge I had from researching it. Now, I'm even planning on my next tattoo on February 20th. They couldn't stop me, weee!!
That's another thing I'll vent about shortly. I love my transplant team at UCSF. They understand that I got lungs and want to live. They are there behind me every step of the way making sure I can live life but yet they can still protect me from doing anything extremely stupid. Haha! St.Joe's transplant team however is a team I do not trust with my life. Not to scare any of my friends that belong to their team but I just feel like they don't know how to handle post-transplant situations and yet are too proud to ask other teams for ideas or input. I feel bad seeing all my friends getting sick under their care. It's a long story that I could spend pages and pages venting about but I won't. I just want to say that it makes me sad and I hope that all my friends will question what is right and wrong and keep an eye on how they feel so they can catch symptoms in advance.
Now that I've had my mini rant (you don't want to hear what I really want to say haha) I found this article that is a great thing for future transplant patients. It's about freezing organs for transport and it would have been nice to have more time to get to the hospital. I loved living in San Francisco but waiting was hard with out being near my friends and my pets and in my own bed. It would have been nice to have the choice of being there or being home. Although, it was convenient to be right by the hospital all the time....
http://http//thefutureofthings.com/news/6276/frozen-organs-live-longer.html?addComment
Anyway, I'll try and write more. I like having this as a venting place for my health issues because none of my other friends really understand or want to hear about it. (Or maybe I'm just assuming that.) So, I'll make a point to write when I have something to say. Wish me luck on keeping that goal! Haha.
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