make it stop

Dear God/Goddess/Fairies/Higher Power-

Can you please stop taking my friends away from me?

Love, Ashley

Feeling: Disappointed
Hearing:"Bury Me Alive" by We Are the Fallen

My thoughts have been burdened with thoughts of death this past month or so. Not only transplant patients but others as well and it gets me thinking. I personally don't have a faith and in fact religion drives me up the wall but I do have faith that things happen for a reason. I believe that everyone has an energy in them and when they pass away that energy goes somewhere I just don't know where that is but I know it leaves the body behind.It's amazing how empty it feels when someone you care about is gone and it's hard to imagine where they could possibly be. Are they looking after you? I think religion/spirituality gives people answers to these questions and since I don't believe any one thing it's hard for me to turn my brain off from the processing.

I just recently lost a good friend Carl who had his transplant about 3 or 4 years ago and although I was more prepared for this one it was still hard to see it in words or hear that it was true. I just deleted some emails I had in my account dated back from 2008 and I had a lot of friends that had passed away and I didn't have the heart to delete those messages. I don't like to dwell on the past but a little part of me dies with each of my friends who pass and in the back of my mind I wonder, could I be next? I hate being morbid, really I do. I only bring it up from time to time but this past month has just brought so many overwhelming thoughts that I had to get it out.

I have a lot more to say but I think for now I'll just let it simmer in my brain. It makes me think a lot about what I'm doing with my own life. If I could ask them what they would have done differently if they were still alive what would they say? Are they happier where they are and laughing at us down here like ants? Such is the question of life, huh?

There is so much I want to do with my life but I might not have the money or opportunity to do it. I hope someday I can find ways to achieve everything on my "bucket list" because I'll feel then like I truly lived my life. I'm teaching myself to play the guitar now actually. That's always been something I've wanted to do but I had my brother's old guitar sitting in my room untouched forever because it seemed like too big of an idea. Now I'm not doing too bad. I have yet to play an entire song but the bits and pieces I got are awesome.Its little achievements like that that keep me going.

I'll be going back to school next semester which is another thing that keeps me going. I love school and would take almost every class (except math) just for fun if I could! I would study abroad and learn a bunch of languages but for now I'm going to go for my BA in Sociology at ASU. Not too bad a start. I think it'll be great too because I'm always wondering why people do what they do and that is basically what my degree is in. Perfect! Can't wait to get back out there......