energy

feeling: energized (how appropriate!)
listening to: "Broken Pieces" by Apocalyptica feat. Lacey of Flyleaf

I recently finished a book called "Dark Flame" by Alyson Noel which is part of a series called The Immortals. It involves being immortal, being in love, and being just plain human too. There was a particular passage that opened up my eyes and I decided to write it down for future reference. Here it goes:

"And you're obsessing over it, and weaving all manner of spells won't change it either. In fact, it'll only make it worse. By doing that, you've made him the focus of your universe, the exact result you don't want, and trust me, Roman is well aware of this. He works hard to steal your focus, it's what every narcissist wants. So if you truly want to resolve this and get your life back on track, then just stop. Stop focusing your energy on things you don't want. Stop putting your energy into Roman. Just refuse to even go there and see where that leads."...."But like this, the way you're handling it now, you may as well be hand-feeding prime rib to a tiger, you're only satisfying his most primal need. The beast is inside you, Ever, because you put it there. But trust me, you can rid yourself of it just as easily."

This really hit me because this was how I was with Douchebag. Everything revolves around energy and putting so much energy into hating and being hurt by him only gave him what he wanted---my attention. I've now gotten to the point where I don't care what happens to him. As they say, love and hate are one in the same. Indifference is as opposite as you can get and I am now healthy enough to be in the indifference stage. I hope he's happy, really I do. But I just don't care to hear anymore about him. He's already invaded my life enough as it is. Good riddance.

That said, I've found someone else. We've known each other for a few years now and decided to turn it up a notch and move to the next level and you know what? He makes me happy. I feel like now, I can focus on taking care of myself, and making time to laugh, and grow and learn. I feel truly free and it's wonderful. I've had time to workout my issues from my past too so I can start clean. I rushed into a relationship after Douchebag and wasn't quite ready and someone got hurt but I've learned now that when you dig up the past, all you end up getting is dirty.

Which leads me to another thing. Whenever I get into a relationship with someone new I always start wondering, "Why me?" "Don't they know my days are numbered?" I got this idea planted in my head from an ex who told me he didn't want to be with me because I could die soon. I mean, really? That's messed up and although I know it's stupid it's still in the back of my head and I wonder if other people think the same thing. Makes me wonder but again I think I need to put the past behind me and realize that although I had a big event happen in my life, he knows about it, end of story. It doesn't have to be my world. I'm alive now and am thankful for every breath. That should be enough, right? Hmmmm...

On a different note, I'm going to San Francisco next month with my friend (and fellow transplant person) Rich and then later on my mom. I want to show Rich how I roll while I'm there and what the Family House is like where I stayed during my treatment. I'm a part of a board here that is trying to come up with ideas for a similar place for transplants here in Phoenix and I'm bursting with ideas and can't wait to share it with someone. Also, of course I need my usual testing and all that but it's all good. Going to San Francisco always feels like going home to me. If I could live there I would be there in a heartbeat.

Let's see...what else has been on my mind? Oh yeah, I've been wanting to dance lately in the worst way! I miss the feel of being so in the moment with my entire body and soul into the moves I'm making. I saw Black Swan the other day and that's what this stemmed from. Also, Center Stage was on the other day and it got me missing dance. I wonder if I could start that up again whenever I end up getting my new job. The job might come soon by the way. I supposedly have an interview on Tuesday so wish me luck! *crosses fingers*