two thousand eleven

feeling: anxious
hearing: "You Are Mine" by MuteMath

One of my New Year's resolutions should be to blog more!! Man, it's been since April?! I've had so much happen I wouldn't know where to start....

I've had a couple relationships since then. Back in June I met a really cool guy we'll call Derek. He and I hit it off instantly and it felt like we were soul mates--like if there is such a thing as the reincarnation that we'd been with each other in each and every life before. It just felt right. He has a daughter and we soon became the cutest damn little family. I was beyond happy. However, our relationship was like a firecracker. When it was good, it was flippin phenomenal but when it was bad it was like a volcano exploded lava all over the place and caused miles of damage. We ended up breaking up at the end of September-ish and I was devestated beacuse I still wanted that future I'd built us in my head. In the end although I still love him and a part of me always will, we sadly weren't meant to be. At least not at this point in time. I never say never and I can't ignore that connection we had but sometimes you gotta let go and see where life takes you.

I did fall for someone else in the mean time who is truly special. I've never been treated so nicely by any other guy in my life and it's almost confusing to me and I don't know how to react. I met him through some friends of mine: Michele who died about a year ago and had a double lung transplant like me and her husband Glenn. Brent is Glenn's son and funny enough I never really noticed him before and he never noticed me but we got along well at a funeral for a friend of ours Tiffany who we lost in September. We became friends and Glenn, Brent, my mom and I all went to Disneyland for Halloween and had a blast. Sicne then he and I have become "official" and it's nice to have him in my life. I don't know how I deserve such a sweet guy.

As I said, we lost Tiffany this year and that hit me super hard because I saw her on life support in the ICU and I'm always the patient, never the friend coming to visit so it was hard to watch and know that I've been in her position and my family was pulling for me the same way. Lost Carl and Charles...more transplant patients but in other news my friend Allison was retransplanted and is doing well! Such an emotional roller coaster.

I'm still working at my first job but I also got another one as a substitute at a Deaf school and I love it! Only wish I got more hours so I could sign more but I'm not complaining! So despite the stress, the loss, the depressing moments, etc. I still try to smile and move forward and know that I'm still here. I was tested for my cancer again about a week ago and it still shows as clear so thats fabulous! It's just another reminder that I might not have experienced all that I have in almost 11 years had it not been for modern medicine and my family and friends pulling through this with me. Goodbye 2011.....2012, show me what you got.

<3 Ashley

moving on, looking forward

I am SUPER excited to announce I got my first job!! I think I might have finally found my little niche actually. I'm working at a place that helps elderly people with their everyday tasks and care. These patients typically have dementia type issues and just need an extra hand and I feel soooo good about what I'm doing. I don't know how I could ever do a job that doesn't help anyone. I kinda sorta tried a "sales" job and it felt so wrong I was completely stressed and couldn't live with all the thoughts running through my head.

Not only am I doing that job but I've been volunteering with a hospice and it's been such a cool experience. I can't wait to delve more into it. I feel so much better about my life and feel such a positive change not just because of the job but a lot of other factors too. For instance, I feel ok about my love life, my friendships, etc. too. I'm honestly fine when it comes to me ex which was a really hard process for me and it's great that I can get through my days without crying out thinking about a time when I thought everything was perfect. I feel like with if "Prince Charming" came a long I could honestly give him my full heart instead of just the pieces left from my past. But at the same time, I'm totally fine being by myself. I still have fun, I can do whatever I want, and I'm satisfied where I'm at. That's a big step.

I have the "travel bug" and want to go somewhere big like Ireland or Montreal or something and stay there for awhile. I might look into a travel abroad program with ASU since I'll be there full time next semester. 18 credits...not bad! I should be done with my Bachelor's by Fall 2012 or Spring 2013. Either way it's not that far and I'm excited for some of the classes I've looked into.

So what does everyone (all 8 of you haha) think about the whole Royal Wedding hype? I think it's cool that someone from a "middle-class" life gets to marry a prince. A sexy British one at that, hehe! That would suck to have to be in the limelight all the time though. I couldn't handle all that attention especially when it's involving something private like my relationship. I think Kate handles it very well though. Seeing all the coverage on TV makes me want to go to London too. So much to see and I didn't get to see everything I originally wanted to. No time! Maybe some other time....

I guess I better stop babbling and get to bed before I say something completely unintelligible. *Yawn* Goodnight.

make it stop

Dear God/Goddess/Fairies/Higher Power-

Can you please stop taking my friends away from me?

Love, Ashley

Feeling: Disappointed
Hearing:"Bury Me Alive" by We Are the Fallen

My thoughts have been burdened with thoughts of death this past month or so. Not only transplant patients but others as well and it gets me thinking. I personally don't have a faith and in fact religion drives me up the wall but I do have faith that things happen for a reason. I believe that everyone has an energy in them and when they pass away that energy goes somewhere I just don't know where that is but I know it leaves the body behind.It's amazing how empty it feels when someone you care about is gone and it's hard to imagine where they could possibly be. Are they looking after you? I think religion/spirituality gives people answers to these questions and since I don't believe any one thing it's hard for me to turn my brain off from the processing.

I just recently lost a good friend Carl who had his transplant about 3 or 4 years ago and although I was more prepared for this one it was still hard to see it in words or hear that it was true. I just deleted some emails I had in my account dated back from 2008 and I had a lot of friends that had passed away and I didn't have the heart to delete those messages. I don't like to dwell on the past but a little part of me dies with each of my friends who pass and in the back of my mind I wonder, could I be next? I hate being morbid, really I do. I only bring it up from time to time but this past month has just brought so many overwhelming thoughts that I had to get it out.

I have a lot more to say but I think for now I'll just let it simmer in my brain. It makes me think a lot about what I'm doing with my own life. If I could ask them what they would have done differently if they were still alive what would they say? Are they happier where they are and laughing at us down here like ants? Such is the question of life, huh?

There is so much I want to do with my life but I might not have the money or opportunity to do it. I hope someday I can find ways to achieve everything on my "bucket list" because I'll feel then like I truly lived my life. I'm teaching myself to play the guitar now actually. That's always been something I've wanted to do but I had my brother's old guitar sitting in my room untouched forever because it seemed like too big of an idea. Now I'm not doing too bad. I have yet to play an entire song but the bits and pieces I got are awesome.Its little achievements like that that keep me going.

I'll be going back to school next semester which is another thing that keeps me going. I love school and would take almost every class (except math) just for fun if I could! I would study abroad and learn a bunch of languages but for now I'm going to go for my BA in Sociology at ASU. Not too bad a start. I think it'll be great too because I'm always wondering why people do what they do and that is basically what my degree is in. Perfect! Can't wait to get back out there......

energy

feeling: energized (how appropriate!)
listening to: "Broken Pieces" by Apocalyptica feat. Lacey of Flyleaf

I recently finished a book called "Dark Flame" by Alyson Noel which is part of a series called The Immortals. It involves being immortal, being in love, and being just plain human too. There was a particular passage that opened up my eyes and I decided to write it down for future reference. Here it goes:

"And you're obsessing over it, and weaving all manner of spells won't change it either. In fact, it'll only make it worse. By doing that, you've made him the focus of your universe, the exact result you don't want, and trust me, Roman is well aware of this. He works hard to steal your focus, it's what every narcissist wants. So if you truly want to resolve this and get your life back on track, then just stop. Stop focusing your energy on things you don't want. Stop putting your energy into Roman. Just refuse to even go there and see where that leads."...."But like this, the way you're handling it now, you may as well be hand-feeding prime rib to a tiger, you're only satisfying his most primal need. The beast is inside you, Ever, because you put it there. But trust me, you can rid yourself of it just as easily."

This really hit me because this was how I was with Douchebag. Everything revolves around energy and putting so much energy into hating and being hurt by him only gave him what he wanted---my attention. I've now gotten to the point where I don't care what happens to him. As they say, love and hate are one in the same. Indifference is as opposite as you can get and I am now healthy enough to be in the indifference stage. I hope he's happy, really I do. But I just don't care to hear anymore about him. He's already invaded my life enough as it is. Good riddance.

That said, I've found someone else. We've known each other for a few years now and decided to turn it up a notch and move to the next level and you know what? He makes me happy. I feel like now, I can focus on taking care of myself, and making time to laugh, and grow and learn. I feel truly free and it's wonderful. I've had time to workout my issues from my past too so I can start clean. I rushed into a relationship after Douchebag and wasn't quite ready and someone got hurt but I've learned now that when you dig up the past, all you end up getting is dirty.

Which leads me to another thing. Whenever I get into a relationship with someone new I always start wondering, "Why me?" "Don't they know my days are numbered?" I got this idea planted in my head from an ex who told me he didn't want to be with me because I could die soon. I mean, really? That's messed up and although I know it's stupid it's still in the back of my head and I wonder if other people think the same thing. Makes me wonder but again I think I need to put the past behind me and realize that although I had a big event happen in my life, he knows about it, end of story. It doesn't have to be my world. I'm alive now and am thankful for every breath. That should be enough, right? Hmmmm...

On a different note, I'm going to San Francisco next month with my friend (and fellow transplant person) Rich and then later on my mom. I want to show Rich how I roll while I'm there and what the Family House is like where I stayed during my treatment. I'm a part of a board here that is trying to come up with ideas for a similar place for transplants here in Phoenix and I'm bursting with ideas and can't wait to share it with someone. Also, of course I need my usual testing and all that but it's all good. Going to San Francisco always feels like going home to me. If I could live there I would be there in a heartbeat.

Let's see...what else has been on my mind? Oh yeah, I've been wanting to dance lately in the worst way! I miss the feel of being so in the moment with my entire body and soul into the moves I'm making. I saw Black Swan the other day and that's what this stemmed from. Also, Center Stage was on the other day and it got me missing dance. I wonder if I could start that up again whenever I end up getting my new job. The job might come soon by the way. I supposedly have an interview on Tuesday so wish me luck! *crosses fingers*

six

feeling: bored
listening to: "A Quiet Anthem" by Aesthetic Perfection (Apparently I like them a lot since I was listening to them last time too.)

January 7th marked my SIX YEARS of life since my transplant. In my six years I've loved and lost so many. I meet amazing people and though some stay in my life, many of them have unfortunately also been chosen to leave it. My friend Michele passed away at the beginning of December and where was I when I found out? At Disneyland. This always happens. When I learned of Kristi passing away I had been at a concert that night. Now Michele's gone and I was at Disneyland. I feel like crap whenever I hear of another loss but I thought to myself that if she's in Heaven now, she's definitely watching me and calling me a turd for even thinking that I'm bad for not being there. She loved Disneyland--mainly the shopping aspect of it and I know she would want me to live me life. After all, that's what she did until the end when she simply couldn't anymore. She and I caused so much trouble and had so many laughs and I will never forget her.

It seems odd to me that I'm still here. What have I done that allows me to live a healthy life when others can't? Whatever it is, I hope it hangs in there because before I used to hope that 2012 was a real concept and now...it just feels unfair. I fought this hard and will not be killed off because of what some Mayans say. (Even though I totally give them props for being awesome.) This New Year I decided to make a few resolutions:





1) Eat less sugar. I would die if I got diabetes, I love sugar too much! Hehe.


2) Learn something new everyday.


3) Budget my money better.


4) Live like there's no tomorrow.





That last one is always in my head and I've done decent with the rest except the darn budgeting. I started off the New Year in Vegas seeing my favorite band. That cost an arm and a leg and of course I gambled (aka lost money) and the whole shebang but I had the time of my life. Seriously, my dream was to see them- 30 Seconds to Mars play on New Years in London and if I was lucky go back to the lead singer Jared's hotel room. Hahahahaha jk about the last part (kinda) but yeah I figured if I can't have London, Vegas is just as good!! This applied to my 4 resolution of living it up. MY girlfriend Elyna and I even went to see Thunder Down Under While we were there and it was epic.

*GIGGLE*

Anyway, it was good times for sure. One cool thing too is ever since my break-up with douchebag I've almost started drinking just to spite him. Not on purpose and I'm not an alcoholic like he was but for so long after I never drank and the first time I did I was thinking, "Yeah, TAKE THAT!!" Lame and childish, I know but it was a little release I needed to get over him. That said, when I was at the concert I had bought some Absinthe and if you know what that is, you know it jacks you up pretty good. I figured I'd rather by 1 expensive drink and get smashed than buy a bunch to feel a buzz. Well, I sipped it slowly and as soon as the concert started I wanted nothing to do but jump and dance and scream. Holding my drink only got in my way and I realized less than halfway through that I didn't want/or need it. I was in this moment with my friend and experiencing something I've always wanted. Jared was my anti-drug!! So I went and threw it away. Usually I would drink it up fast anyway since it was expensive but I didn't even want that. It's a step up in my healing process post-douchebag. YAY!!

I'm really focusing on making changes in my life right now. Changes that will help me better myself and move onward and upward. A lot of that is the people I have in my life. If they are toxic, I need to say goodbye but if they are good, I need to try everything I can to be a good friend. Also, I'm trying to not let other people's opinions get to me. Yesterday, I went to the post office with a shirt on that was low enough to show my scar on my chest. I was noticing lately that before I go anywhere I always try to cover it up with a sweater or my purse and that's just silly. I guess I don't want the questions or people to think I got a horrible cheap boob job in Mexico or something. These girls are real my friends!! I realized how hard it was for me to mentally step out into the world scar bared. I've decided from now I'm going to try to be more proud of what I've been through instead of so private and who knows, maybe I can help people understand.

I'm trying to get a job still and it's not looking good at all. The person that's helping me seems really flaky and is always trying to come up with excuses as to why things aren't going through. I wish the economy wasn't so bad that I had to fight so hard. I mean, it feels pointless when everyone with 25 years of experience are snatching the jobs typically taken by those just out of college like me. I have no authority and no pull to let them give me a chance and I'm starting to feel down about it. I mean, I was sick when I was 14 so I couldn't work then and after I went to school to make myself something big. I learned a lot and yet here I am with nothing to show for it except some degrees and licenses that apparently mean nothing. Grrrrr.

I guess I should be working on my autobiography thing. It's just frustrating because I have so much in my head but lack the words to put it on paper and make it mean as much as it has impacted my life. Nothing seems good enough and I wish I could wave a magic wand and put all the words in a published book of my own. Maybe someday....