feeling: broken-hearted
listening to: "Beautiful Loser" by William Control
Where so I start? I've been so all over the place lately. I've been angry, ecstatic, depressed, nervous, busy, confused, silly, creative, blissful. Everything. I haven't written in forever for a few reasons mostly because I feel like no one reads this anyway. Secondly, I don't like complaining and I feel like a lot of this boils down to that because most of the time to be honest, I'm just not happy. An awesome psychologist came to speak at the St.Joe's support group meeting this week and he explained it well. Pre-transplant you're really depressed and then there's this magical period after that where you're cool and then you go downhill again. I'm at that point where I'm on the downhill. I understand how amazing it is that I'm alive but at the same time I'm caught up in how hard it is to get from day today. Anyway, here's everything that's been going on in a nutshell:
Love:
This is one aspect that a lot of my current transplant friends don't have to deal with. Most of them are older and are married and here I am still waiting for my prince charming to come riding up on his stupid white horse. I honestly feel like I will never find someone that can put up with me and all my "drama." Most people my age can't handle being with me and everything I've been through. It's too much. Everyone else seems to have someone that's been with them through it all. I was alone. Well, except for my mom but I'm not exactly planning on marrying her. Hahaha. It's just hard being in my situation and having to act like a "normal" girl. I feel like I'm every guy's best friend but no one's true love. Well, maybe I am but there are other circumstances involved and here I remain by myself yet again. It's just kinda frustrating and a little depressing. I won't get into anymore detail than that because it's complicated and also something I don't want to share with people that may read this as it might be inappropriate but let's just say love as far as it goes with me is a dead end.
My health:
This is a big reason as to why I haven't written. I've been doing some testing in regards to my peripheral neuropathy and it's been hell. I finally reached that breaking point where I just can't take it anymore. I had to get the test again with the electric shock and the needles but this time it was worse. It was with a different doctor this time who was nicer but the test was more intense. After an excruciating series of shocks and needle sticks into my muscles, etc. I laid there on the cold doctor table with my head on that stupid little flat pillow and just started crying. I NEVER cry for any procedure I do but this was it. I finally broke. I'm tired of just laying there and letting them do things to me. I lie there and take it with a fake smile on my face and try to laugh a little to lighten the situation when inside I'm screaming. This time, I couldn't hold it in anymore. How much more of this can I take? How many more times can I be poked and prodded while everyone takes it for granted?
Well, it gets better. After that, I was told I need a muscle and a nerve biopsy as well as a spinal tap. I just wanted to run out of that office crying. What the fuck else can you people do to me? I was so upset and I knew that if I blogged about it you guys would end up seeing a LOT of cuss words and I'm trying to keep this at least a little innocent Heh. Anyway, I'm scheduled for those super fun tests sometime soon so I'll let you know if I survive haha.
I am making progress with my physical therapy though. I feel like I'm getting stronger and am able to have more endurance and walk more which is great when it comes to getting around campus and just trying to be a normal kid. I'm so happy to see the changes in how far I can go. It's encouraging!
I'm hopefully going to San Francisco January 7th so that'll restore my sanity a bit. I need it actually. Going there is like recharging my batteries. My doctors tell me I'm ok which gives me a little confidence boost and the city itself gives me piece of mind. I always end up crying while I'm there just because its filled with so many emotions for me. I like to sit somewhere by myself and just let it all out. San Francisco.....my release....
School:
I've been SO busy this week!! I've been doing my Career/Work Experience class stuff so I've been following around interpreters and it's been intense! Very cool though and I'm learning so much. I've got about 14 hours in so far. I need 48 :(
I'm getting better and more confident with signing so that's good! I'm so scared though still, scared of committing to this, scared I'm not as good as everyone else.....the list goes on. One thing I've been considering is moving. I have absolutely no money so I'd have to get a student loan but if I really want to do this sign language interpreting thing I need to go to a school that offers a bachelors and Phoenix College only offers an AA and a certification. Lame. I want to move far away. Get away from Phoenix, from the same old day to day routine. I want to be on my own for once since I've never had that chance. I got sick so young and my mom's been super protective. I just don't know how I'd be able to pull it off but I want it so bad....
Miscellaneous:
I'm getting the tattoo. I don't know exactly what I'm getting yet because I can't decide if I should get a small one to see what happens or just get the one that I wanted. I don't know. There's so much to think about but I'm going to get it December 2nd. That day has meaning for me and some of my friends and it'd be perfect.
I got a new TV for my room and its pretty sweet being able to watch stuff at night since my meds make me an insomniac. I've mostly been watching the History Channel and the Travel Channel since the Travel Channel has been playing some cool Halloween themed shows like the top creepies places in the world and stuff. And the History Channel is making me feel smart. I know a lot about random stuff now haha. Not to mention I can watch my DVDs (that I put in French subtitles to help with class) so that's awesome too.
Also, I don't know if he reads this but I want to give a shout out to Mason. He's my buddy and it's been so nice talking to him lately. Unfortunately he hasn't been feeling well and it going through tough times. I want to send him my love and wishes that he'll feel better soon. I miss you sweetie!
Anyway, I'll try to write more often so I don't throw everything at you all at once. My life is just really complicated with a lot of levels and aspects so bare with me! :) Thanks for reading....
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Hey, this is Monica, Marty's wife. I must say, you are very gifted with expressing your feelings. All of the emotions you are feeling are normal human emotions, and you shouldn't feel badly about expressing yourself even if it involves cussing. You are dealing with a lot of things. I wish I would be able to do that. I don't want you to think that I have sympathy for you or that I feel sorry for you,(I hope I dont come across like that anyway) I think you are a very strong woman, look at where you are! With all of this crap with Marty, I have tried to be positive even in the very dark times. When I read you're on the downhill, I immediatly thought of skiing(which I don't do at all)The down hill, to my weird way of thinking, means the race is almost over, you're still standing, and you will get to celebrate. I know that is not what you meant, but that is the first thing that popped into my head. Although I can't begin to understand all of the emotions regarding your transplant, some of the other ones, I can. First, I don't think you are complaining..... you are being realistic, and you are dealing with it, not just letting it go. That is good.
About LOVE... Where to start. I got married when I was 18 years old, had two kids by the time I was 22. I love my kids dearly, but their dad was not my prince charming. We divorced after almost 20 years of marriage. I moved to Arizona and married my old high school "crush", Marty. He ended up being my prince charming, And I was 38 at the time. BUT...it hasn't always been a fairy tale( on an old cartoon called Bulwinkle, there was a segment called "fractured fairy tales) My fairy tale is more like that, fractured but still a fairy tale. My white horse turned into a jackass. oops, i think I meant to say my prince charming turned into a jackass. He will now admit to that. I had left him in 6/05 and moved back in 6/06, just 5 months before he got sick. That is when the second chapter of our drama started. When Marty was first admitted to the hospital, he ended up on a ventilator, was medically paralyzed(sp) and in a medically induced coma for 40 days. I guess what I am trying to say, is that even though I have a prince charming, I was alone, sometimes when you think someone should be there going through this with you, you are still alone. Even family members can't make the hurt go away. So, dont give up on the love thing... You will have it in the right time.
Health.... I don't even know what to say about everything you are going through. You are right, you are young, you are a fighter, and most of all, IT IS OK TO CRY... to get so tired of it; that all that is left to do is to cry.
School.... How I envy you... I have always wanted to go to school to be a sign language interperter. I work with people who have developmental disabilities, and all I have been able to get down as far as signing, are the basics like toilet, eat, drink, stop and words like that. So, if you think you need to move away to get your degree, go for it, try not to run away from but run to something. I heard a long time ago to look out the front window shield, and not to keep looking in the rearview window. We all look back though, sometimes that is where we learn.
Misc: Tatoos: Marty has decided when the time is right to get another tatoo or 3. Dec. 2nd is a special day for me too....My mom's birthday. She has been a great support to me through out this whole ordeal. Moms...cant live with them and cant live with out them.
By the way, If nobody reads your blog, it is their loss. Keep writing, especially if it makes you feel better, you are so good at it.
I know, quite a long comment. You can delete it if you want. I guess I just wanted you to know, that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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