feeling: energized (how appropriate!)
listening to: "Broken Pieces" by Apocalyptica feat. Lacey of Flyleaf
I recently finished a book called "Dark Flame" by Alyson Noel which is part of a series called The Immortals. It involves being immortal, being in love, and being just plain human too. There was a particular passage that opened up my eyes and I decided to write it down for future reference. Here it goes:
"And you're obsessing over it, and weaving all manner of spells won't change it either. In fact, it'll only make it worse. By doing that, you've made him the focus of your universe, the exact result you don't want, and trust me, Roman is well aware of this. He works hard to steal your focus, it's what every narcissist wants. So if you truly want to resolve this and get your life back on track, then just stop. Stop focusing your energy on things you don't want. Stop putting your energy into Roman. Just refuse to even go there and see where that leads."...."But like this, the way you're handling it now, you may as well be hand-feeding prime rib to a tiger, you're only satisfying his most primal need. The beast is inside you, Ever, because you put it there. But trust me, you can rid yourself of it just as easily."
This really hit me because this was how I was with Douchebag. Everything revolves around energy and putting so much energy into hating and being hurt by him only gave him what he wanted---my attention. I've now gotten to the point where I don't care what happens to him. As they say, love and hate are one in the same. Indifference is as opposite as you can get and I am now healthy enough to be in the indifference stage. I hope he's happy, really I do. But I just don't care to hear anymore about him. He's already invaded my life enough as it is. Good riddance.
That said, I've found someone else. We've known each other for a few years now and decided to turn it up a notch and move to the next level and you know what? He makes me happy. I feel like now, I can focus on taking care of myself, and making time to laugh, and grow and learn. I feel truly free and it's wonderful. I've had time to workout my issues from my past too so I can start clean. I rushed into a relationship after Douchebag and wasn't quite ready and someone got hurt but I've learned now that when you dig up the past, all you end up getting is dirty.
Which leads me to another thing. Whenever I get into a relationship with someone new I always start wondering, "Why me?" "Don't they know my days are numbered?" I got this idea planted in my head from an ex who told me he didn't want to be with me because I could die soon. I mean, really? That's messed up and although I know it's stupid it's still in the back of my head and I wonder if other people think the same thing. Makes me wonder but again I think I need to put the past behind me and realize that although I had a big event happen in my life, he knows about it, end of story. It doesn't have to be my world. I'm alive now and am thankful for every breath. That should be enough, right? Hmmmm...
On a different note, I'm going to San Francisco next month with my friend (and fellow transplant person) Rich and then later on my mom. I want to show Rich how I roll while I'm there and what the Family House is like where I stayed during my treatment. I'm a part of a board here that is trying to come up with ideas for a similar place for transplants here in Phoenix and I'm bursting with ideas and can't wait to share it with someone. Also, of course I need my usual testing and all that but it's all good. Going to San Francisco always feels like going home to me. If I could live there I would be there in a heartbeat.
Let's see...what else has been on my mind? Oh yeah, I've been wanting to dance lately in the worst way! I miss the feel of being so in the moment with my entire body and soul into the moves I'm making. I saw Black Swan the other day and that's what this stemmed from. Also, Center Stage was on the other day and it got me missing dance. I wonder if I could start that up again whenever I end up getting my new job. The job might come soon by the way. I supposedly have an interview on Tuesday so wish me luck! *crosses fingers*
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
six
feeling: bored
listening to: "A Quiet Anthem" by Aesthetic Perfection (Apparently I like them a lot since I was listening to them last time too.)
January 7th marked my SIX YEARS of life since my transplant. In my six years I've loved and lost so many. I meet amazing people and though some stay in my life, many of them have unfortunately also been chosen to leave it. My friend Michele passed away at the beginning of December and where was I when I found out? At Disneyland. This always happens. When I learned of Kristi passing away I had been at a concert that night. Now Michele's gone and I was at Disneyland. I feel like crap whenever I hear of another loss but I thought to myself that if she's in Heaven now, she's definitely watching me and calling me a turd for even thinking that I'm bad for not being there. She loved Disneyland--mainly the shopping aspect of it and I know she would want me to live me life. After all, that's what she did until the end when she simply couldn't anymore. She and I caused so much trouble and had so many laughs and I will never forget her.
It seems odd to me that I'm still here. What have I done that allows me to live a healthy life when others can't? Whatever it is, I hope it hangs in there because before I used to hope that 2012 was a real concept and now...it just feels unfair. I fought this hard and will not be killed off because of what some Mayans say. (Even though I totally give them props for being awesome.) This New Year I decided to make a few resolutions:
1) Eat less sugar. I would die if I got diabetes, I love sugar too much! Hehe.
2) Learn something new everyday.
3) Budget my money better.
4) Live like there's no tomorrow.
That last one is always in my head and I've done decent with the rest except the darn budgeting. I started off the New Year in Vegas seeing my favorite band. That cost an arm and a leg and of course I gambled (aka lost money) and the whole shebang but I had the time of my life. Seriously, my dream was to see them- 30 Seconds to Mars play on New Years in London and if I was lucky go back to the lead singer Jared's hotel room. Hahahahaha jk about the last part (kinda) but yeah I figured if I can't have London, Vegas is just as good!! This applied to my 4 resolution of living it up. MY girlfriend Elyna and I even went to see Thunder Down Under While we were there and it was epic.
listening to: "A Quiet Anthem" by Aesthetic Perfection (Apparently I like them a lot since I was listening to them last time too.)
January 7th marked my SIX YEARS of life since my transplant. In my six years I've loved and lost so many. I meet amazing people and though some stay in my life, many of them have unfortunately also been chosen to leave it. My friend Michele passed away at the beginning of December and where was I when I found out? At Disneyland. This always happens. When I learned of Kristi passing away I had been at a concert that night. Now Michele's gone and I was at Disneyland. I feel like crap whenever I hear of another loss but I thought to myself that if she's in Heaven now, she's definitely watching me and calling me a turd for even thinking that I'm bad for not being there. She loved Disneyland--mainly the shopping aspect of it and I know she would want me to live me life. After all, that's what she did until the end when she simply couldn't anymore. She and I caused so much trouble and had so many laughs and I will never forget her.
It seems odd to me that I'm still here. What have I done that allows me to live a healthy life when others can't? Whatever it is, I hope it hangs in there because before I used to hope that 2012 was a real concept and now...it just feels unfair. I fought this hard and will not be killed off because of what some Mayans say. (Even though I totally give them props for being awesome.) This New Year I decided to make a few resolutions:
1) Eat less sugar. I would die if I got diabetes, I love sugar too much! Hehe.
2) Learn something new everyday.
3) Budget my money better.
4) Live like there's no tomorrow.
That last one is always in my head and I've done decent with the rest except the darn budgeting. I started off the New Year in Vegas seeing my favorite band. That cost an arm and a leg and of course I gambled (aka lost money) and the whole shebang but I had the time of my life. Seriously, my dream was to see them- 30 Seconds to Mars play on New Years in London and if I was lucky go back to the lead singer Jared's hotel room. Hahahahaha jk about the last part (kinda) but yeah I figured if I can't have London, Vegas is just as good!! This applied to my 4 resolution of living it up. MY girlfriend Elyna and I even went to see Thunder Down Under While we were there and it was epic.
*GIGGLE*
Anyway, it was good times for sure. One cool thing too is ever since my break-up with douchebag I've almost started drinking just to spite him. Not on purpose and I'm not an alcoholic like he was but for so long after I never drank and the first time I did I was thinking, "Yeah, TAKE THAT!!" Lame and childish, I know but it was a little release I needed to get over him. That said, when I was at the concert I had bought some Absinthe and if you know what that is, you know it jacks you up pretty good. I figured I'd rather by 1 expensive drink and get smashed than buy a bunch to feel a buzz. Well, I sipped it slowly and as soon as the concert started I wanted nothing to do but jump and dance and scream. Holding my drink only got in my way and I realized less than halfway through that I didn't want/or need it. I was in this moment with my friend and experiencing something I've always wanted. Jared was my anti-drug!! So I went and threw it away. Usually I would drink it up fast anyway since it was expensive but I didn't even want that. It's a step up in my healing process post-douchebag. YAY!!
I'm really focusing on making changes in my life right now. Changes that will help me better myself and move onward and upward. A lot of that is the people I have in my life. If they are toxic, I need to say goodbye but if they are good, I need to try everything I can to be a good friend. Also, I'm trying to not let other people's opinions get to me. Yesterday, I went to the post office with a shirt on that was low enough to show my scar on my chest. I was noticing lately that before I go anywhere I always try to cover it up with a sweater or my purse and that's just silly. I guess I don't want the questions or people to think I got a horrible cheap boob job in Mexico or something. These girls are real my friends!! I realized how hard it was for me to mentally step out into the world scar bared. I've decided from now I'm going to try to be more proud of what I've been through instead of so private and who knows, maybe I can help people understand.
I'm trying to get a job still and it's not looking good at all. The person that's helping me seems really flaky and is always trying to come up with excuses as to why things aren't going through. I wish the economy wasn't so bad that I had to fight so hard. I mean, it feels pointless when everyone with 25 years of experience are snatching the jobs typically taken by those just out of college like me. I have no authority and no pull to let them give me a chance and I'm starting to feel down about it. I mean, I was sick when I was 14 so I couldn't work then and after I went to school to make myself something big. I learned a lot and yet here I am with nothing to show for it except some degrees and licenses that apparently mean nothing. Grrrrr.
I guess I should be working on my autobiography thing. It's just frustrating because I have so much in my head but lack the words to put it on paper and make it mean as much as it has impacted my life. Nothing seems good enough and I wish I could wave a magic wand and put all the words in a published book of my own. Maybe someday....
Thursday, November 11, 2010
catching up
feeling: lazy
listening to: "The Siren" by Aesthetic Perfection
I haven't written in this thing in forever and it's come to my attention that I need to start up again. A lot has changed in the past year or so for me and the biggest thing I dealt with was a boyfriend that turned out to be an alcoholic. It's funny how you can have so many important things going on in your life and yet you let the little things like that bring you down into a deep depression and you forget all that's beautiful in life. I can't allow that to happen anymore. I want to get up, dust myself off and skip off back into the world with a smile on my face and passion in my heart. Here's to trying....
I graduated college this May with an Associate's in American Sign Language and Interpreting which was a wonderful accomplishment. I never thought I'd make it past 18 let alone graduate college and start working. The "working" part hasn't come around yet since the market is so bad these days but I am soooo close to getting a job as an interpreter that I can almost taste it. I've been sick since I was 14 so I never had a job and I can't wait until everything falls into it's place for me in that field. I really do love ASL and it's neat to go to the Deaf Night Out events we have here in Phoenix once a month. I'm getting better and better each day and it'll be a job that I'll never stop learning in and I love that.
For fun, I've been going to concerts as much as possible. Went to see 30 Seconds to Mars twice, once in Vegas and once here in Phoenix and it BLEW ME AWAY!! I love you Jared Leto. Just this weekend I saw a band called Combichrist who is kind of like a gothic techno type band, industrial. I danced until I was pretty much about to pass out but yet my breathing was fine, my legs were working and I had the drive so I just kept on dancing. I NEVER take that for granted. Ever. I try to talk to friends as much as possible but it gets boring just sitting at home all day so I started volunteering with a place called Project C.U.R.E. They send medical equipment and help to countries who need it. I've started by cleaning off equipment and seeing if it works before we send it off and I think it's really neat to do. I didn't get to go this week because I have no money to get gas and head over there but as soon as I do I'm going to be helping out again because it made me feel like I am doing something worth while. It's a great feeling.
Um....since my last entry I don't know if I wrote about my friend Mason passing away. Or Steve, or Mike....*sigh* I hate losing people close to me. Mason was particularly hard for me because he was close to my age and it was something that could have been so easily prevented. Don't even get me started but yeah, I really took that one rough. If I go by my motto though that our purpose in life is to inspire and leave a legacy than these men did so. I will always remember them for everything they taught me with all they've been through. I only hope people will remember me the same way.
As far as my health my lungs have been pretty good *knock on wood* and I see my doctors in San Francisco in January for my usual testing stuff. Yay! I love my doctors. <3 The one health problem that's been most annoying though is skin cancer. I've had a lot of squamous cell carcinoma which is one of the better ones but its still no good. It took 4 years for my dermatologist to figure out that was what was on my lip. Thank God it's gone now but it was also all over my head as well. I guess that's what I get for living in the Valley of the Sun, huh? I really am considering moving in about a year to a place like Seattle where there is less chance of skin cancer. I'd definitely be a lot better off. I wish I could move to SF but I'd have to be rich to attempt that. Or, I can just move to Forks, WA like in Twilight. Who knows, maybe I'll find my Edward Cullen there. ;)
That's all for now I guess. I'll write more when I get the chance. xoxoxoxox people!
listening to: "The Siren" by Aesthetic Perfection
I haven't written in this thing in forever and it's come to my attention that I need to start up again. A lot has changed in the past year or so for me and the biggest thing I dealt with was a boyfriend that turned out to be an alcoholic. It's funny how you can have so many important things going on in your life and yet you let the little things like that bring you down into a deep depression and you forget all that's beautiful in life. I can't allow that to happen anymore. I want to get up, dust myself off and skip off back into the world with a smile on my face and passion in my heart. Here's to trying....
I graduated college this May with an Associate's in American Sign Language and Interpreting which was a wonderful accomplishment. I never thought I'd make it past 18 let alone graduate college and start working. The "working" part hasn't come around yet since the market is so bad these days but I am soooo close to getting a job as an interpreter that I can almost taste it. I've been sick since I was 14 so I never had a job and I can't wait until everything falls into it's place for me in that field. I really do love ASL and it's neat to go to the Deaf Night Out events we have here in Phoenix once a month. I'm getting better and better each day and it'll be a job that I'll never stop learning in and I love that.
For fun, I've been going to concerts as much as possible. Went to see 30 Seconds to Mars twice, once in Vegas and once here in Phoenix and it BLEW ME AWAY!! I love you Jared Leto. Just this weekend I saw a band called Combichrist who is kind of like a gothic techno type band, industrial. I danced until I was pretty much about to pass out but yet my breathing was fine, my legs were working and I had the drive so I just kept on dancing. I NEVER take that for granted. Ever. I try to talk to friends as much as possible but it gets boring just sitting at home all day so I started volunteering with a place called Project C.U.R.E. They send medical equipment and help to countries who need it. I've started by cleaning off equipment and seeing if it works before we send it off and I think it's really neat to do. I didn't get to go this week because I have no money to get gas and head over there but as soon as I do I'm going to be helping out again because it made me feel like I am doing something worth while. It's a great feeling.
Um....since my last entry I don't know if I wrote about my friend Mason passing away. Or Steve, or Mike....*sigh* I hate losing people close to me. Mason was particularly hard for me because he was close to my age and it was something that could have been so easily prevented. Don't even get me started but yeah, I really took that one rough. If I go by my motto though that our purpose in life is to inspire and leave a legacy than these men did so. I will always remember them for everything they taught me with all they've been through. I only hope people will remember me the same way.
As far as my health my lungs have been pretty good *knock on wood* and I see my doctors in San Francisco in January for my usual testing stuff. Yay! I love my doctors. <3 The one health problem that's been most annoying though is skin cancer. I've had a lot of squamous cell carcinoma which is one of the better ones but its still no good. It took 4 years for my dermatologist to figure out that was what was on my lip. Thank God it's gone now but it was also all over my head as well. I guess that's what I get for living in the Valley of the Sun, huh? I really am considering moving in about a year to a place like Seattle where there is less chance of skin cancer. I'd definitely be a lot better off. I wish I could move to SF but I'd have to be rich to attempt that. Or, I can just move to Forks, WA like in Twilight. Who knows, maybe I'll find my Edward Cullen there. ;)
That's all for now I guess. I'll write more when I get the chance. xoxoxoxox people!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
forget to remember
"Prescribe pills to offset the shakes to offset the pills you know you should- take it a day at a time...." -Panic! at the Disco
feeling: broken-hearted (screw men)
listening to: "Map of the Problematique" by Muse
I'll start this out with something good-
MY PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY IS GONE!!
Yes, you read that right!! I really noticed it at Disneyland back at the beginning of May. That's when it was so obvious because that was a huge test of my abilities. I walked all over the place from park to hotel to restaurants and I simply OWNED that place. Nonstop walking. Yeah my joints hurt and all that but so did all the other "normal" people in the group. Disneyland can kill anyone but I....I made it. *tear* I haven't not been in a wheelchair or something like that at Disneyland in....well too long. It was so wonderful!
Now to the bad part and I want input on this if anyone else has experienced it: my memory has totally gone to hell. I'm taking Aricept for it which is supposed to work amazingly for Alzheimers. So far, no improvement and I've been taking it for months. It's bringing down my school work and everything and I'm usually an A student so it's been kinda depressing. I had a hybrid class this semester so part of it was in class and the other part was online. I missed three major tests in that class because my brain doesn't remind me to go to the website and do it. So frustrating! Anyway, blah I'll expand on that later.
I got a new tattoo on my left thigh and I don't think I've talked about it on here. Marty- I've been dying to show you this one:
Also, I got the back of my neck pierced but that came out after a month. I got bored with it. :( I still thought it was super cool though but it takes a lot more maitenence than a tattoo so I felt like it was a little more risky if I started slacking heh.
So yeah, all in all I am doing VERY well but still manage to have my ups and downs just like any person transplant or not. I'm actually beginning my autobiograpy (finally) about my experience with the transplant. It's really hard to figure out how I should write it though so I'm working on it. More updates soon (since school is almost out...yay!).
<3 Ashley
feeling: broken-hearted (screw men)
listening to: "Map of the Problematique" by Muse
I'll start this out with something good-
MY PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY IS GONE!!
Yes, you read that right!! I really noticed it at Disneyland back at the beginning of May. That's when it was so obvious because that was a huge test of my abilities. I walked all over the place from park to hotel to restaurants and I simply OWNED that place. Nonstop walking. Yeah my joints hurt and all that but so did all the other "normal" people in the group. Disneyland can kill anyone but I....I made it. *tear* I haven't not been in a wheelchair or something like that at Disneyland in....well too long. It was so wonderful!
Now to the bad part and I want input on this if anyone else has experienced it: my memory has totally gone to hell. I'm taking Aricept for it which is supposed to work amazingly for Alzheimers. So far, no improvement and I've been taking it for months. It's bringing down my school work and everything and I'm usually an A student so it's been kinda depressing. I had a hybrid class this semester so part of it was in class and the other part was online. I missed three major tests in that class because my brain doesn't remind me to go to the website and do it. So frustrating! Anyway, blah I'll expand on that later.
I got a new tattoo on my left thigh and I don't think I've talked about it on here. Marty- I've been dying to show you this one:
Also, I got the back of my neck pierced but that came out after a month. I got bored with it. :( I still thought it was super cool though but it takes a lot more maitenence than a tattoo so I felt like it was a little more risky if I started slacking heh.
So yeah, all in all I am doing VERY well but still manage to have my ups and downs just like any person transplant or not. I'm actually beginning my autobiograpy (finally) about my experience with the transplant. It's really hard to figure out how I should write it though so I'm working on it. More updates soon (since school is almost out...yay!).
<3 Ashley
Monday, February 2, 2009
walk it off....
listening to: "The Swarm" by Dismantled
feeling: sleepy
School started a couple of weeks ago and I've been noticing that it's been easier to walk lately. My doctors took me off Voriconazole to see if that would help and maybe it is. Most transplant patients get off that medication pretty soon after surgery but I've been on it since then so they thought maybe it was contributing to my difficulty walking. That, mixed with my physical therapy have created a positive outcome so far. It's crazy how there are so many little symptoms that doctors are completely baffled about. That's why us transplant patients have to stick together and share what we've experienced. I've got so many random things going on and it helps to talk to others who might have heard it or had it.
I am the first for a lot of things. Doctors always say, "we've never seen that before" or "that's never happened" etc. That's part of the reason I got my tattoo was because for once I wanted to do something that I actually chose to do and not that was chosen for me by fate. I understood the risks and consequences and did it anyway with the knowledge I had from researching it. Now, I'm even planning on my next tattoo on February 20th. They couldn't stop me, weee!!
That's another thing I'll vent about shortly. I love my transplant team at UCSF. They understand that I got lungs and want to live. They are there behind me every step of the way making sure I can live life but yet they can still protect me from doing anything extremely stupid. Haha! St.Joe's transplant team however is a team I do not trust with my life. Not to scare any of my friends that belong to their team but I just feel like they don't know how to handle post-transplant situations and yet are too proud to ask other teams for ideas or input. I feel bad seeing all my friends getting sick under their care. It's a long story that I could spend pages and pages venting about but I won't. I just want to say that it makes me sad and I hope that all my friends will question what is right and wrong and keep an eye on how they feel so they can catch symptoms in advance.
Now that I've had my mini rant (you don't want to hear what I really want to say haha) I found this article that is a great thing for future transplant patients. It's about freezing organs for transport and it would have been nice to have more time to get to the hospital. I loved living in San Francisco but waiting was hard with out being near my friends and my pets and in my own bed. It would have been nice to have the choice of being there or being home. Although, it was convenient to be right by the hospital all the time....
http://http//thefutureofthings.com/news/6276/frozen-organs-live-longer.html?addComment
Anyway, I'll try and write more. I like having this as a venting place for my health issues because none of my other friends really understand or want to hear about it. (Or maybe I'm just assuming that.) So, I'll make a point to write when I have something to say. Wish me luck on keeping that goal! Haha.
feeling: sleepy
School started a couple of weeks ago and I've been noticing that it's been easier to walk lately. My doctors took me off Voriconazole to see if that would help and maybe it is. Most transplant patients get off that medication pretty soon after surgery but I've been on it since then so they thought maybe it was contributing to my difficulty walking. That, mixed with my physical therapy have created a positive outcome so far. It's crazy how there are so many little symptoms that doctors are completely baffled about. That's why us transplant patients have to stick together and share what we've experienced. I've got so many random things going on and it helps to talk to others who might have heard it or had it.
I am the first for a lot of things. Doctors always say, "we've never seen that before" or "that's never happened" etc. That's part of the reason I got my tattoo was because for once I wanted to do something that I actually chose to do and not that was chosen for me by fate. I understood the risks and consequences and did it anyway with the knowledge I had from researching it. Now, I'm even planning on my next tattoo on February 20th. They couldn't stop me, weee!!
That's another thing I'll vent about shortly. I love my transplant team at UCSF. They understand that I got lungs and want to live. They are there behind me every step of the way making sure I can live life but yet they can still protect me from doing anything extremely stupid. Haha! St.Joe's transplant team however is a team I do not trust with my life. Not to scare any of my friends that belong to their team but I just feel like they don't know how to handle post-transplant situations and yet are too proud to ask other teams for ideas or input. I feel bad seeing all my friends getting sick under their care. It's a long story that I could spend pages and pages venting about but I won't. I just want to say that it makes me sad and I hope that all my friends will question what is right and wrong and keep an eye on how they feel so they can catch symptoms in advance.
Now that I've had my mini rant (you don't want to hear what I really want to say haha) I found this article that is a great thing for future transplant patients. It's about freezing organs for transport and it would have been nice to have more time to get to the hospital. I loved living in San Francisco but waiting was hard with out being near my friends and my pets and in my own bed. It would have been nice to have the choice of being there or being home. Although, it was convenient to be right by the hospital all the time....
http://http//thefutureofthings.com/news/6276/frozen-organs-live-longer.html?addComment
Anyway, I'll try and write more. I like having this as a venting place for my health issues because none of my other friends really understand or want to hear about it. (Or maybe I'm just assuming that.) So, I'll make a point to write when I have something to say. Wish me luck on keeping that goal! Haha.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
love life
feeling: bored
listening to: "Decode" by Paramore
Every year I get an Ireland desk calendar so I can keep track of everything from concerts to doctors appointments, etc. I go through it before I throw it away at the end of the year it’s really interesting to read back on all that happened.
January 2008 was started out in Albuquerque, New Mexico as usual but this time instead of being at my dad’s house I was at Leigha’s. We were both super excited because we’d soon be on our way to Phoenix and she was going to live with me. Finally, together forever!
Our time together had its ups and downs and we parted ways in March. She went to live with two other roommates and I moved my room back to how it was before she’d gotten there. It was a very sad time for both of us I think because we both had such high hopes and to this day I will never take back anything I said or did. I told her I loved her and it was true. I have never loved somebody as much as I did Leigha but circumstances pulled us apart and even our friendship got complicated. To this day I don’t know how’ve we’ve gotten to the point we’re at now. It’s part, anger, sadness, bitterness, relief, hope. There are many emotions that I’m feeling and I can only imagine what she feels as well. She decided it was in her best interest to move back to Albuquerque and in doing this, it put the distance between us a reality. We still talk and I’m glad about that but there are days where I miss how close we used to be. Inseparable. It’s ok though, I’m living my life and she’s living hers. As long as we’re happy in that…..
I went to a lot of concerts in 2008 starting with Ill Nino on February 8th. I finally got to meet Cristian Machado and that pretty much completed my life right there.
The 17th, Leigha and I drove to Tucson to see Aiden and we even got to see a private performance at Zia Records before because we’re awesome like that.
July 16th was the Kill Hannah concert and after waiting hours in the blistering heat, it was SO not worth it. I still like their music and I liked the energy but Mat Devine is a douche bag. End of story. The White Tie Affair stole the show if you ask me.
July 18th was the Disturbed/Slipknot concert with my friends Eric and Jenn and no other concert will be able to compare I think. Slipknot is the most amazing band EVER live. It made me appreciate all the talent that is put into what they do. Most people just think, “Yeah, they scream. Big deal. That’s not music!” BULLSHIT. Every band member plays their instrument whether it be drums, guitar, vocals, turntable, whatever and each does it with an intense amount of passion that is only proven even more in concert.
Projekt Revolution 2008 occurred on my birthday this year. August 7th. Woot woot! It definitely didn’t compare to last year though and I was spoiled by Slipknot still.
Shallowpoint performed on September 6th and then with the Iris on Halloween. It was fun to get all dressed up with my lovely twin soul, Miss Twilight Starr. We definitely rock it when we get together, I love you girl!
I was SUPPOSED to see the Backstreet Boys on November 21st but Nick just had to get sick and disappoint me. I was sooooo sad about that! I’m still pissed actually. So that was my year in concerts as far as I remember.
I’ve been very involved in helping with Donate Life of Arizona as well as the St. Joe’s Lung Transplant Support Organization of which I am a board member. I’m also pretty much the main computer expert in the group since I’m the youngest and therefore the least frazzled about technology. Haha! I did a couple booth things with Donate Life, one at Laura’s Run in Scottsdale and got a lot of people there to sign up to be donors. Also, I had a booth set up at MCC and met some cool people there as well. I really enjoy doing that and talking to people about donating. I did a couple speeches regarding that too, one in public speaking and the other in sign language. Hopefully I got some people’s attention. I’ve met a lot of cool people being involved with those groups and have done activities with them on the side as well. I went with them to the Renaissance Festival and it was actually my first time.
I also did I few games with all of them in the name of Donate Life such as the Coyotes and the Diamondbacks. I became the closest with Michele and her and I would hang out all the time and go swimming and have lunch and just cause trouble in general. We did a lot of dinners together as a whole group and celebrated a lot of anniversaries as most of them are celebrating being a year out from their lung transplants.
On the 27th of July we all decided to go to Disneyland just for shits and giggles and had a great time. I’m definitely VERY happy that they have become such an important part of my life.
School was pretty good Spring 2008 and I met a lot of awesome friends that I continue to be friends with to this day. I was in a speech competition (thanks a lot Jessica haha) and finished off the semester with good grades.
Fall 2008 was definitely the most difficult semester of my school career but I got through it with nothing less than a B which is amazing considering I was prepared for an F in a couple classes. I had to work especially hard in my Career/Work Experience class where I had to follow around interpreters in various environments for at least 45 hours. That took up most of my time needless to say, not just the hours themselves but finding them in the first place. It was an awesome experience though and I learned a lot. It’s finally over but here I am ready to start Spring 2009. Blah!
I did a little bit of traveling this year:
· Went to Sedona in January so I could show Leigha what it’s like up there for her birthday.
· Drove to Tucson for the Aiden concert on February 17th.
· San Diego on April 25th to see Bryant and Shari’s new condo and it was a really pleasant vacation.
· Went to Carmel, California for Mothers Day in which I paid for the whole trip. We stayed at the Tickle Pink Inn which overlooked the ocean and we rented a car and drove around to all the places where we used to live. My mom said it was the best present ever.
· San Francisco on June 11th for the check-up
· Disneyland July 27th
· Seattle August 3rd for my birthday. (My first time!)
· Sedona for Thanksgiving as usual
· Albuquerque December 31st-January 4th to see my daddy and my little sister
Random Stuff
· May 17th- My cousin Melissa had a baby
· June 20th- Meredith’s wedding!
· August 13th- Got my tubes tied. No little Ashley’s running around!
· Interviewed for jobs such as Starbucks, Fascinations, and Tungland Corporation.
· December 2nd- Got my tattoo for Sarah (and did fine so I’m getting more!)
· Lots of ASU games
· Saw Twilight 6 times and counting….
· Christmas parties!!
I made a lot of great friends this year with people I either just met or knew before and became close with. People such as:
· Jessica
· Jason
· JT
· Mark
· Michele and Glenn
· Mason
· Carl and Elaine
· Anne
· Tiffany
· Rafaele
· Craig
· Heather
· Stacy
· Mel
· Ashley
· Tuesday
· Billie
· Cheryk
My best friend this year has been Terra. We’ve gotten so close lately and I’m so glad because we’re almost inseparable now. Terra, we’ve been through so much together and through all our crazy-ness and drama, we’re still friends and I’m so happy for that. I can’t wait until we move to London! ;) I don’t know what words to say that can express how much I love you but I’ve got many more years to at least try to show you how much you mean to me. Hugs and kisses my lover!
I also lost a few friendships this year and honestly it has been for the better except for people like my Blaine who I miss very much. (I love you!) But I haven’t lost him, he’s just far away.
Someone I have lost though is Kristi. You read my blog a couple blogs ago and know of my loss. It’s hard for me to talk about still and I’m working on being strong in her memory. She died July 18th and this year, I will honor her memory by getting a tattoo for her on my side (by all my scars) that says “indestructible.”
It’s been a crazy year and I can’t even write about it all. Not that you guys wanna hear it all anyway. This entry is long enough as it is! 2008 was a good time and 2009 is starting out to be awesome so far. I can’t wait to see what happens!
listening to: "Decode" by Paramore
Every year I get an Ireland desk calendar so I can keep track of everything from concerts to doctors appointments, etc. I go through it before I throw it away at the end of the year it’s really interesting to read back on all that happened.
January 2008 was started out in Albuquerque, New Mexico as usual but this time instead of being at my dad’s house I was at Leigha’s. We were both super excited because we’d soon be on our way to Phoenix and she was going to live with me. Finally, together forever!
Our time together had its ups and downs and we parted ways in March. She went to live with two other roommates and I moved my room back to how it was before she’d gotten there. It was a very sad time for both of us I think because we both had such high hopes and to this day I will never take back anything I said or did. I told her I loved her and it was true. I have never loved somebody as much as I did Leigha but circumstances pulled us apart and even our friendship got complicated. To this day I don’t know how’ve we’ve gotten to the point we’re at now. It’s part, anger, sadness, bitterness, relief, hope. There are many emotions that I’m feeling and I can only imagine what she feels as well. She decided it was in her best interest to move back to Albuquerque and in doing this, it put the distance between us a reality. We still talk and I’m glad about that but there are days where I miss how close we used to be. Inseparable. It’s ok though, I’m living my life and she’s living hers. As long as we’re happy in that…..
I went to a lot of concerts in 2008 starting with Ill Nino on February 8th. I finally got to meet Cristian Machado and that pretty much completed my life right there.
The 17th, Leigha and I drove to Tucson to see Aiden and we even got to see a private performance at Zia Records before because we’re awesome like that.
July 16th was the Kill Hannah concert and after waiting hours in the blistering heat, it was SO not worth it. I still like their music and I liked the energy but Mat Devine is a douche bag. End of story. The White Tie Affair stole the show if you ask me.
July 18th was the Disturbed/Slipknot concert with my friends Eric and Jenn and no other concert will be able to compare I think. Slipknot is the most amazing band EVER live. It made me appreciate all the talent that is put into what they do. Most people just think, “Yeah, they scream. Big deal. That’s not music!” BULLSHIT. Every band member plays their instrument whether it be drums, guitar, vocals, turntable, whatever and each does it with an intense amount of passion that is only proven even more in concert.
Projekt Revolution 2008 occurred on my birthday this year. August 7th. Woot woot! It definitely didn’t compare to last year though and I was spoiled by Slipknot still.
Shallowpoint performed on September 6th and then with the Iris on Halloween. It was fun to get all dressed up with my lovely twin soul, Miss Twilight Starr. We definitely rock it when we get together, I love you girl!
I was SUPPOSED to see the Backstreet Boys on November 21st but Nick just had to get sick and disappoint me. I was sooooo sad about that! I’m still pissed actually. So that was my year in concerts as far as I remember.
I’ve been very involved in helping with Donate Life of Arizona as well as the St. Joe’s Lung Transplant Support Organization of which I am a board member. I’m also pretty much the main computer expert in the group since I’m the youngest and therefore the least frazzled about technology. Haha! I did a couple booth things with Donate Life, one at Laura’s Run in Scottsdale and got a lot of people there to sign up to be donors. Also, I had a booth set up at MCC and met some cool people there as well. I really enjoy doing that and talking to people about donating. I did a couple speeches regarding that too, one in public speaking and the other in sign language. Hopefully I got some people’s attention. I’ve met a lot of cool people being involved with those groups and have done activities with them on the side as well. I went with them to the Renaissance Festival and it was actually my first time.
I also did I few games with all of them in the name of Donate Life such as the Coyotes and the Diamondbacks. I became the closest with Michele and her and I would hang out all the time and go swimming and have lunch and just cause trouble in general. We did a lot of dinners together as a whole group and celebrated a lot of anniversaries as most of them are celebrating being a year out from their lung transplants.
On the 27th of July we all decided to go to Disneyland just for shits and giggles and had a great time. I’m definitely VERY happy that they have become such an important part of my life.
School was pretty good Spring 2008 and I met a lot of awesome friends that I continue to be friends with to this day. I was in a speech competition (thanks a lot Jessica haha) and finished off the semester with good grades.
Fall 2008 was definitely the most difficult semester of my school career but I got through it with nothing less than a B which is amazing considering I was prepared for an F in a couple classes. I had to work especially hard in my Career/Work Experience class where I had to follow around interpreters in various environments for at least 45 hours. That took up most of my time needless to say, not just the hours themselves but finding them in the first place. It was an awesome experience though and I learned a lot. It’s finally over but here I am ready to start Spring 2009. Blah!
I did a little bit of traveling this year:
· Went to Sedona in January so I could show Leigha what it’s like up there for her birthday.
· Drove to Tucson for the Aiden concert on February 17th.
· San Diego on April 25th to see Bryant and Shari’s new condo and it was a really pleasant vacation.
· Went to Carmel, California for Mothers Day in which I paid for the whole trip. We stayed at the Tickle Pink Inn which overlooked the ocean and we rented a car and drove around to all the places where we used to live. My mom said it was the best present ever.
· San Francisco on June 11th for the check-up
· Disneyland July 27th
· Seattle August 3rd for my birthday. (My first time!)
· Sedona for Thanksgiving as usual
· Albuquerque December 31st-January 4th to see my daddy and my little sister
Random Stuff
· May 17th- My cousin Melissa had a baby
· June 20th- Meredith’s wedding!
· August 13th- Got my tubes tied. No little Ashley’s running around!
· Interviewed for jobs such as Starbucks, Fascinations, and Tungland Corporation.
· December 2nd- Got my tattoo for Sarah (and did fine so I’m getting more!)
· Lots of ASU games
· Saw Twilight 6 times and counting….
· Christmas parties!!
I made a lot of great friends this year with people I either just met or knew before and became close with. People such as:
· Jessica
· Jason
· JT
· Mark
· Michele and Glenn
· Mason
· Carl and Elaine
· Anne
· Tiffany
· Rafaele
· Craig
· Heather
· Stacy
· Mel
· Ashley
· Tuesday
· Billie
· Cheryk
My best friend this year has been Terra. We’ve gotten so close lately and I’m so glad because we’re almost inseparable now. Terra, we’ve been through so much together and through all our crazy-ness and drama, we’re still friends and I’m so happy for that. I can’t wait until we move to London! ;) I don’t know what words to say that can express how much I love you but I’ve got many more years to at least try to show you how much you mean to me. Hugs and kisses my lover!
I also lost a few friendships this year and honestly it has been for the better except for people like my Blaine who I miss very much. (I love you!) But I haven’t lost him, he’s just far away.
Someone I have lost though is Kristi. You read my blog a couple blogs ago and know of my loss. It’s hard for me to talk about still and I’m working on being strong in her memory. She died July 18th and this year, I will honor her memory by getting a tattoo for her on my side (by all my scars) that says “indestructible.”
It’s been a crazy year and I can’t even write about it all. Not that you guys wanna hear it all anyway. This entry is long enough as it is! 2008 was a good time and 2009 is starting out to be awesome so far. I can’t wait to see what happens!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
the breakdown
feeling: broken-hearted
listening to: "Beautiful Loser" by William Control
Where so I start? I've been so all over the place lately. I've been angry, ecstatic, depressed, nervous, busy, confused, silly, creative, blissful. Everything. I haven't written in forever for a few reasons mostly because I feel like no one reads this anyway. Secondly, I don't like complaining and I feel like a lot of this boils down to that because most of the time to be honest, I'm just not happy. An awesome psychologist came to speak at the St.Joe's support group meeting this week and he explained it well. Pre-transplant you're really depressed and then there's this magical period after that where you're cool and then you go downhill again. I'm at that point where I'm on the downhill. I understand how amazing it is that I'm alive but at the same time I'm caught up in how hard it is to get from day today. Anyway, here's everything that's been going on in a nutshell:
Love:
This is one aspect that a lot of my current transplant friends don't have to deal with. Most of them are older and are married and here I am still waiting for my prince charming to come riding up on his stupid white horse. I honestly feel like I will never find someone that can put up with me and all my "drama." Most people my age can't handle being with me and everything I've been through. It's too much. Everyone else seems to have someone that's been with them through it all. I was alone. Well, except for my mom but I'm not exactly planning on marrying her. Hahaha. It's just hard being in my situation and having to act like a "normal" girl. I feel like I'm every guy's best friend but no one's true love. Well, maybe I am but there are other circumstances involved and here I remain by myself yet again. It's just kinda frustrating and a little depressing. I won't get into anymore detail than that because it's complicated and also something I don't want to share with people that may read this as it might be inappropriate but let's just say love as far as it goes with me is a dead end.
My health:
This is a big reason as to why I haven't written. I've been doing some testing in regards to my peripheral neuropathy and it's been hell. I finally reached that breaking point where I just can't take it anymore. I had to get the test again with the electric shock and the needles but this time it was worse. It was with a different doctor this time who was nicer but the test was more intense. After an excruciating series of shocks and needle sticks into my muscles, etc. I laid there on the cold doctor table with my head on that stupid little flat pillow and just started crying. I NEVER cry for any procedure I do but this was it. I finally broke. I'm tired of just laying there and letting them do things to me. I lie there and take it with a fake smile on my face and try to laugh a little to lighten the situation when inside I'm screaming. This time, I couldn't hold it in anymore. How much more of this can I take? How many more times can I be poked and prodded while everyone takes it for granted?
Well, it gets better. After that, I was told I need a muscle and a nerve biopsy as well as a spinal tap. I just wanted to run out of that office crying. What the fuck else can you people do to me? I was so upset and I knew that if I blogged about it you guys would end up seeing a LOT of cuss words and I'm trying to keep this at least a little innocent Heh. Anyway, I'm scheduled for those super fun tests sometime soon so I'll let you know if I survive haha.
I am making progress with my physical therapy though. I feel like I'm getting stronger and am able to have more endurance and walk more which is great when it comes to getting around campus and just trying to be a normal kid. I'm so happy to see the changes in how far I can go. It's encouraging!
I'm hopefully going to San Francisco January 7th so that'll restore my sanity a bit. I need it actually. Going there is like recharging my batteries. My doctors tell me I'm ok which gives me a little confidence boost and the city itself gives me piece of mind. I always end up crying while I'm there just because its filled with so many emotions for me. I like to sit somewhere by myself and just let it all out. San Francisco.....my release....
School:
I've been SO busy this week!! I've been doing my Career/Work Experience class stuff so I've been following around interpreters and it's been intense! Very cool though and I'm learning so much. I've got about 14 hours in so far. I need 48 :(
I'm getting better and more confident with signing so that's good! I'm so scared though still, scared of committing to this, scared I'm not as good as everyone else.....the list goes on. One thing I've been considering is moving. I have absolutely no money so I'd have to get a student loan but if I really want to do this sign language interpreting thing I need to go to a school that offers a bachelors and Phoenix College only offers an AA and a certification. Lame. I want to move far away. Get away from Phoenix, from the same old day to day routine. I want to be on my own for once since I've never had that chance. I got sick so young and my mom's been super protective. I just don't know how I'd be able to pull it off but I want it so bad....
Miscellaneous:
I'm getting the tattoo. I don't know exactly what I'm getting yet because I can't decide if I should get a small one to see what happens or just get the one that I wanted. I don't know. There's so much to think about but I'm going to get it December 2nd. That day has meaning for me and some of my friends and it'd be perfect.
I got a new TV for my room and its pretty sweet being able to watch stuff at night since my meds make me an insomniac. I've mostly been watching the History Channel and the Travel Channel since the Travel Channel has been playing some cool Halloween themed shows like the top creepies places in the world and stuff. And the History Channel is making me feel smart. I know a lot about random stuff now haha. Not to mention I can watch my DVDs (that I put in French subtitles to help with class) so that's awesome too.
Also, I don't know if he reads this but I want to give a shout out to Mason. He's my buddy and it's been so nice talking to him lately. Unfortunately he hasn't been feeling well and it going through tough times. I want to send him my love and wishes that he'll feel better soon. I miss you sweetie!
Anyway, I'll try to write more often so I don't throw everything at you all at once. My life is just really complicated with a lot of levels and aspects so bare with me! :) Thanks for reading....
listening to: "Beautiful Loser" by William Control
Where so I start? I've been so all over the place lately. I've been angry, ecstatic, depressed, nervous, busy, confused, silly, creative, blissful. Everything. I haven't written in forever for a few reasons mostly because I feel like no one reads this anyway. Secondly, I don't like complaining and I feel like a lot of this boils down to that because most of the time to be honest, I'm just not happy. An awesome psychologist came to speak at the St.Joe's support group meeting this week and he explained it well. Pre-transplant you're really depressed and then there's this magical period after that where you're cool and then you go downhill again. I'm at that point where I'm on the downhill. I understand how amazing it is that I'm alive but at the same time I'm caught up in how hard it is to get from day today. Anyway, here's everything that's been going on in a nutshell:
Love:
This is one aspect that a lot of my current transplant friends don't have to deal with. Most of them are older and are married and here I am still waiting for my prince charming to come riding up on his stupid white horse. I honestly feel like I will never find someone that can put up with me and all my "drama." Most people my age can't handle being with me and everything I've been through. It's too much. Everyone else seems to have someone that's been with them through it all. I was alone. Well, except for my mom but I'm not exactly planning on marrying her. Hahaha. It's just hard being in my situation and having to act like a "normal" girl. I feel like I'm every guy's best friend but no one's true love. Well, maybe I am but there are other circumstances involved and here I remain by myself yet again. It's just kinda frustrating and a little depressing. I won't get into anymore detail than that because it's complicated and also something I don't want to share with people that may read this as it might be inappropriate but let's just say love as far as it goes with me is a dead end.
My health:
This is a big reason as to why I haven't written. I've been doing some testing in regards to my peripheral neuropathy and it's been hell. I finally reached that breaking point where I just can't take it anymore. I had to get the test again with the electric shock and the needles but this time it was worse. It was with a different doctor this time who was nicer but the test was more intense. After an excruciating series of shocks and needle sticks into my muscles, etc. I laid there on the cold doctor table with my head on that stupid little flat pillow and just started crying. I NEVER cry for any procedure I do but this was it. I finally broke. I'm tired of just laying there and letting them do things to me. I lie there and take it with a fake smile on my face and try to laugh a little to lighten the situation when inside I'm screaming. This time, I couldn't hold it in anymore. How much more of this can I take? How many more times can I be poked and prodded while everyone takes it for granted?
Well, it gets better. After that, I was told I need a muscle and a nerve biopsy as well as a spinal tap. I just wanted to run out of that office crying. What the fuck else can you people do to me? I was so upset and I knew that if I blogged about it you guys would end up seeing a LOT of cuss words and I'm trying to keep this at least a little innocent Heh. Anyway, I'm scheduled for those super fun tests sometime soon so I'll let you know if I survive haha.
I am making progress with my physical therapy though. I feel like I'm getting stronger and am able to have more endurance and walk more which is great when it comes to getting around campus and just trying to be a normal kid. I'm so happy to see the changes in how far I can go. It's encouraging!
I'm hopefully going to San Francisco January 7th so that'll restore my sanity a bit. I need it actually. Going there is like recharging my batteries. My doctors tell me I'm ok which gives me a little confidence boost and the city itself gives me piece of mind. I always end up crying while I'm there just because its filled with so many emotions for me. I like to sit somewhere by myself and just let it all out. San Francisco.....my release....
School:
I've been SO busy this week!! I've been doing my Career/Work Experience class stuff so I've been following around interpreters and it's been intense! Very cool though and I'm learning so much. I've got about 14 hours in so far. I need 48 :(
I'm getting better and more confident with signing so that's good! I'm so scared though still, scared of committing to this, scared I'm not as good as everyone else.....the list goes on. One thing I've been considering is moving. I have absolutely no money so I'd have to get a student loan but if I really want to do this sign language interpreting thing I need to go to a school that offers a bachelors and Phoenix College only offers an AA and a certification. Lame. I want to move far away. Get away from Phoenix, from the same old day to day routine. I want to be on my own for once since I've never had that chance. I got sick so young and my mom's been super protective. I just don't know how I'd be able to pull it off but I want it so bad....
Miscellaneous:
I'm getting the tattoo. I don't know exactly what I'm getting yet because I can't decide if I should get a small one to see what happens or just get the one that I wanted. I don't know. There's so much to think about but I'm going to get it December 2nd. That day has meaning for me and some of my friends and it'd be perfect.
I got a new TV for my room and its pretty sweet being able to watch stuff at night since my meds make me an insomniac. I've mostly been watching the History Channel and the Travel Channel since the Travel Channel has been playing some cool Halloween themed shows like the top creepies places in the world and stuff. And the History Channel is making me feel smart. I know a lot about random stuff now haha. Not to mention I can watch my DVDs (that I put in French subtitles to help with class) so that's awesome too.
Also, I don't know if he reads this but I want to give a shout out to Mason. He's my buddy and it's been so nice talking to him lately. Unfortunately he hasn't been feeling well and it going through tough times. I want to send him my love and wishes that he'll feel better soon. I miss you sweetie!
Anyway, I'll try to write more often so I don't throw everything at you all at once. My life is just really complicated with a lot of levels and aspects so bare with me! :) Thanks for reading....
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